Ah, greyhound. The whole of humanity on display making fifty people even later

In today’s drama we have: a woman who has been complaining loudly about every damn thing was accidentally bumped on her butt by another passenger, started yelling at the driver, who then refused to take her on the bus

Now it’s supervisors out here and another twenty mins delay

Four passengers saw the whole thing and can say for sure that was an accident

But nope she’s determined that not only was it intentional, but that greyhound itself is responsible

These poor managers are having to deal with a customer who is claiming intentional sexual assault and a driver who is Done With This Shit

Lord high above, none of these folks are being paid enough to deal with what they’re dealing with

Plot twist: the extra delay after the already hour late bus has given another passenger time to claim this is his bus. The yelly woman has boarded, and it’s good that supervisors were already here so Late Man can get his ticket sorted

Late Man was not, in fact, on this bus. The driver is now underway and apologizing for all the delays and in a brilliant bit of understatement he dryly says “I’m not happy with all the delays either” and everyone knows he is talking about Yelly Woman

Sometimes you make friends with other passengers and they’ll watch your bags while you smoke on a break but Yelly Woman better have all her things with her at all times because every last one of us are mad about her histrionics

The dude she accused of molesting her, on the other hand, is quietly a hero and we will all guard his bags as though they were our own precious babies

Driving from Richmond VA to Nashville TN obviously I have a 4am layover in Atlanta GA as this is the obvious and direct route

And at this point I will miss that connection

This is now the greyhound observation thread

I will say that I’m sitting in the very first seat on the bus so I’ve had a close view of all this unfolding

The bus has grouped itself into four or six seat sections of people who have now bonded over all this, with my group being the best informed

The roads are clear enough and we will hopefully have nothing to talk about until the first smoke break, at which point I expect Yelly Woman to find something to complain about loudly. Will report from the ground as events unfold.

Also. I am half vaccinated and everyone is wearing industrial levels of masks, you could tear gas this bus and we’d probably be fine because everyone is paranoid

But it is WEIRD to sit full-body touching a stranger in a way it wasn’t a year ago

It was never comfortable and everyone always wanted their own seat but transit being what it is sometimes you just had to share

I feel like I should give my seatmate my number or something, I’ve not been this close to a stranger in ages

Oh also I should tell you about the mom

We have all, in silent assent, decided that the woman with the new baby on the traveling disease vector gets WHATEVER SHE WANTS.

I travel a lot and I’ve rarely seen so many people being that polite or kind or solicitous to a new mom.

Sitting in the very front seat, I find myself increasingly concerned with the chip in the windshield, because the crack keeps getting bigger

I have combat-rated goggles with me and if this crack grows by more than two inches I’m putting the fuckers on

I am on a southbound bus from Virginia to Georgia

At random, half an hour or so into the trip, someone a few rows behind me asks “is this bus going to Maryland”

Which is very north of here

Turns out the man just really REALLY doesn’t want to go to Maryland and was confirming that the bus would not be passing through

Poor geography aside nobody wants to know why the dude is that worried about going to any particular state

We rolled through one of the tiny stops and a man has flagged down the bus

The dude was on this route yesterday and went into the gas station and the bus left him there

Same driver even, he recognized dude

So now he’s on the bus too

One hopes he could afford a motel

Never get off the damn bus unless the driver says it’s a break stop, that’s the lesson here

Dude just forlornly flagging down a whole greyhound because he wanted to buy some candy

The lady in the seat across from me is asking everyone their sign except me because, and this is the best quote I’ve ever overheard, “white people don’t have stars they have Jesus”

At least two churchgoers are now looking askance and tbh it’s about to be an amazing liturgical discussion on this greyhound

False alarm, the churchgoers wisely chose to steer the discussion to the relative merits of omega-3 fatty acids

Which is surely safer than “does astrology exist for white people and/or does Jesus exist for anyone but white people” as a conversational topic amongst strangers

Lost opportunity for me to plug Empty The Pews, the book that I contributed a chapter to about how I left Christianity because I was raised too ecumenically

Soz, publishers, I wouldn’t have tried but either way the moment has passed

Look someone brought up how to cook chicken and I am firmly on Team Broth

But some lost souls are arguing that you should baste with water

White people Jesus would turn that whole water-basting table over I tell you what

This discussion has now involved a solid seven rows of the bus and I am learning a helluva lot about cooking greens because this route is in the south

We have entered hour three of the trip which is when any bus journey becomes somehow both endless and timeless

People mention things they can cook but nobody will eat again, it is the hotel California, none of us will ever escape

I might get home in 18 hours or possibly 36, it depends on the greyhound gods

Space is a pure void

I am reasonably certain that whichever genius came up with the announcement that all passengers should maintain social distancing on a fucking greyhound was also instigating the capitol riots because this makes zero sense but is annoying

We have now had a 15 minute break and switched drivers

The new driver is also not here for your bullshit but in a far more authoritarian way

He’s demanding to see everyone’s whole tickets even though this bus only goes to Atlanta and we all have reboard passes

Aaaaaand that’s someone else now arguing with the driver who does not like to be called the n word and does not appreciate profanity

It’s fine, greyhound is fine, no worries

Also the front seat is for his stuff, not you fucking people

I’m pretty sure that’s a learned behavior

I, haven masterfully fallen asleep during reboarding, have staked out my solo seat for the overnight bit of this journey

I have a pillow and an eye mask and two seats let’s go

Correction: the driver has blocked off the first full row, meaning four seats

It’s possible this is a pandemic adaptation but tbh it seems a lot more likely that he just doesn’t want the cattle lowing in his earshot

I’m becoming about half feral defending my seat, not gonna lie

A greyhound is a bit of a jungle in which only the strong can sleep even half comfortably and tbh I’ve been on a couch for weeks and my sciatica is flaring and I will be damned if I spend a ten hours hunched

Like obviously I would without complaint if the bus was full but at 75% capacity SORRY BUDDY couldn’t hear you cause headphones and couldn’t see you because you’re on my eyepatch side

So Yelly Lady, at absolutely random, has decided to befriend everyone near her

Rather, she decided to participate in the nearby conversation

Everyone else suddenly needed to check their phones because nobody wants to be her friend

We hold five hour grudges on the bus

We’re on a 10-min break and Yelly Lady has decided she’s not a fan of lines, so she shouldn’t have to stand in one, and she’s trying to cut in front of everyone

Nobody is accommodating her

So instead she just put all her refrigerated things down on the floor and stormed out, and is now trying to bum a smoke from anyone nearby

This also is profiting her nothing

For my sins, a church lady is telling me about her nephew’s surgery, though I haven’t spoken a single word to her and am openly paying absolutely no attention. It is 9pm and I’ve been greyhounding since noon and frankly I don’t care, which she’s taking as a sign of rapt interest

A man is now asking everyone on the bus do they have a magnet so he can test some jewelry to see if it’s metal

I am wisely not going to be the one to explain magnets to him

Magnet Guy is asking the bus driver what our speed is. He’s guessing maybe 35 or 40. We’re on a road where the speed limit is 65.

Magnet Guy is going to keep up a whole narrative the entire drive. It is clear why he got kicked out of his previous seat.

Like Idk what kind of drugs the dude is on but wow. Announcing to a bus driver that you’d rather walk is a good way to find yourself walking in short order, don’t do that!

Magnet guy is now having a loud phone chat with Steve, which so far has consisted of a lot of whistling and some air kisses and, jarringly, an impression of Rick James close as I can tell saying “I’m a very creepy boy”

I need no convincing to agree with magnet guy on that

See this is why you guard your open double seat with your life

Otherwise the very creepy boy will sit next to you instead of across the aisle from you

Magnet Guy likes my headphones and attempted to barter with me for them in exchange for a Bluetooth speaker and a camcorder from circa 2006. I declined politely. He asked about my eye. I told him I was shot. Now he is avoiding me.

The eyepatch is sometimes handy

Yelly Lady is sitting on the sinks in the ladies’ room complaining on the phone about how crowded and awful everything is, and then asked me to not set my hands as she was on the phone

I took extra time drying my hands because lol fuck you buddy

We have made it to Charlotte, NC where we have a ~45min layover and a cab driver has tried mightily to convince me that I am his fare

My argument that I am, in fact, leaving the city shortly only convinced him on the third repetition

Not sure why that one was magic

Magnet Guy ignored the security guard and tried to get on the bus when we weren’t allowed on the bus so he has been left behind

Nobody seems particularly upset by this turn of events. I for one am pleased because now I can sleep, which wouldn’t happen with him around

So that’s twelve hours down, and it’s supposed to be ten to go but I’ll miss my connection so my best bet is probably at least 15 hours to go

Someone got off the bus to smoke at a quick stop that wasn’t meant to be a break

The driver left without him. The guy RUNS IN FRONT OF THE BUS AND PLAYS CHICKEN WITH IT

The driver is now yelling at him and threatening to call police

It’s 130am somewhere in South Carolina

Y’all. Y’ALL. THEY MADE UP TWO HOURS AND I MADE THE CONNECTION

Obviously the outbound bus is massively delayed but that’s still better than being stuck until afternoon

Aaand I take it back, we are departing on time

I would kill for a drinkable liquid, I ran out of water hours ago and making up times meant that there were no stops

Also there is a lady praying VERY LOUDLY and fluently, she’s been going since I got onto the bus. Not sure if she plans to pray the whole trip but either way I have my headphones

I am however incredibly tempted to just watch Call me by my name very obviously

The driver, who I already love, just told her “I don’t mind if you talk, lady, but this early in the morning you’re gonna talk quietly” and to her credit she quieted

So I won’t need to watch satanic lap dances to solve the situation

Shockingly, every single employee in the Atlanta greyhound was just really nice

It’s like bizarro greyhound

There is still no place to find water but y’all I am at least in the same state as my house is

I have been on a bus or in a station for nineteen hours and I’m not sure I even need such things as water anymore, I may have transcended all that

One hour from home, THERE WAS A PLACE TO BUY WATER

it turns out I had not transcended basic things like hydration

Folks. I am off the bus. I am waiting on an Uber. I am going to have a shower.

21 hours, 4 drivers, three buses, 5 states, three reticketings

It feels too early to drink and yet somehow it feels like it could be dinner time and I would have no way of knowing

Send bourbon