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There are definitely times when my mental health absolutely cannot handle reviews, and when I was a younger author, I made arguments to myself about why I wanted to read them anyway and then felt like shit about it.
At this point, I’ve touched the hot stove enough to know that I do not need to make myself feel like shit. That if I don’t read reviews, the world does not, in fact, end and my career doesn’t tank.
A weird thing about being self-employed as a person with a wide array of mental health issues is that, as my own employer, I need to figure out how to make my own accommodations that work for me.
It’s more than that. You need a healthy boundary between yourself and your work and reviews of your work. What that looks like will depend on every person. https://twitter.com/mac9705/status/1383803543132332032?s=20">https://twitter.com/mac9705/s...
People talk a lot about parasocial relations, and TBH, I think a lot of the discourse is...weird, and not exactly right.
But as an author, from the other side of the thing, I have thoughts.
But as an author, from the other side of the thing, I have thoughts.
There are a lot of people who have a relationship with me and my work. These are not fake relationships.
It is an honor and a privilege that people allow my words to influence their thoughts and to give them emotions.
It is an honor and a privilege that people allow my words to influence their thoughts and to give them emotions.
But one thing I had to learn as an author is that, unlike many of the other relationships I’ve had in my life, this one doesn’t go two ways.
I’m sad if I disappoint my mom. I feel gutted if one of my friends is hurt.
I’m sad if I disappoint my mom. I feel gutted if one of my friends is hurt.
But it is not the same thing if I write a book that disappoints a reader, and the more successful you are, the greater the likelihood that someone is going to be disappointed.
My relationship is with the work: Did I accomplish what I set out to accomplish? Am I satisfied with the end result? What did I learn from this project?
This is what self-care looks like for me, as an author: understanding that it does not make me an uncaring person to not care that I have disappointed someone.
It is, in fact, the best way for me to care for myself and for the work.
It is, in fact, the best way for me to care for myself and for the work.
It is also, I think, the best way for me to care for readers who have disappointment. They should feel free to express that disappointment without worrying about my feelings.
I don’t read the vast majority of my reviews at this point. I have someone who pulls quotes for my website. I occasionally grab some that I’m tagged into on Twitter, or a friend will point out something.
It is your choice, as a reader, to let a book close to your heart, or not.
It is my choice, as an author, to write a book that is close to my heart, or not.
Sometimes this match works out. Sometimes it does not.
It is my choice, as an author, to write a book that is close to my heart, or not.
Sometimes this match works out. Sometimes it does not.
And it took me a long, long time to get here, because I have been heavily socialized to think that it is my job to please people, and from a distance, it looks that a writer’s job is to try and please lots of people enough so that we are given money.
It is not.
It is not.
Understanding that the relationship is one way also means that I step back from the idea that I am owed anything by readers.
I am not.
I am not.
I am grateful that being an author has taught me that the things I hold close to my heart are close to other people’s hearts, too.
Thank you.
Thank you.
