There are definitely times when my mental health absolutely cannot handle reviews, and when I was a younger author, I made arguments to myself about why I wanted to read them anyway and then felt like shit about it.

At this point, I’ve touched the hot stove enough to know that I do not need to make myself feel like shit. That if I don’t read reviews, the world does not, in fact, end and my career doesn’t tank.

A weird thing about being self-employed as a person with a wide array of mental health issues is that, as my own employer, I need to figure out how to make my own accommodations that work for me.

It’s more than that. You need a healthy boundary between yourself and your work and reviews of your work. What that looks like will depend on every person. https://twitter.com/mac9705/status/1383803543132332032?s=20

People talk a lot about parasocial relations, and TBH, I think a lot of the discourse is...weird, and not exactly right.

But as an author, from the other side of the thing, I have thoughts.

There are a lot of people who have a relationship with me and my work. These are not fake relationships.

It is an honor and a privilege that people allow my words to influence their thoughts and to give them emotions.

But one thing I had to learn as an author is that, unlike many of the other relationships I’ve had in my life, this one doesn’t go two ways.

I’m sad if I disappoint my mom. I feel gutted if one of my friends is hurt.

But it is not the same thing if I write a book that disappoints a reader, and the more successful you are, the greater the likelihood that someone is going to be disappointed.

My relationship is with the work: Did I accomplish what I set out to accomplish? Am I satisfied with the end result? What did I learn from this project?

This is what self-care looks like for me, as an author: understanding that it does not make me an uncaring person to not care that I have disappointed someone.

It is, in fact, the best way for me to care for myself and for the work.

It is also, I think, the best way for me to care for readers who have disappointment. They should feel free to express that disappointment without worrying about my feelings.

I don’t read the vast majority of my reviews at this point. I have someone who pulls quotes for my website. I occasionally grab some that I’m tagged into on Twitter, or a friend will point out something.

It is your choice, as a reader, to let a book close to your heart, or not.

It is my choice, as an author, to write a book that is close to my heart, or not.

Sometimes this match works out. Sometimes it does not.

And it took me a long, long time to get here, because I have been heavily socialized to think that it is my job to please people, and from a distance, it looks that a writer’s job is to try and please lots of people enough so that we are given money.

It is not.

Understanding that the relationship is one way also means that I step back from the idea that I am owed anything by readers.

I am not.

I am grateful that being an author has taught me that the things I hold close to my heart are close to other people’s hearts, too.

Thank you.