Columbo voice: "So, you're telling me you've heard the tale of Darth Plagueis the Wise? Huh! Now ain't that somethin'? My nephew, he's a Jedi Padawan, and he tells me: that's a tale the Jedi wouldn't tell you." *pause, in thought* "So gee, how'd you hear it, then?"

"Oh I meant no offense, honest! I'm just trying to figure out... you see, these things, they bother me! You're telling me, a bounty hunter hired another bounty hunter, which sent a droid, which sent some poisonous worms through... a window, you say? All to assassinate a senator?"

"Jedi Master Sifo Dyas. Now I don't mean to pry, but he died about 10 years ago. So how did he commission this clone army? All these clones running around, they're all the same, it's tough for me to tell 'em apart. My wife though, she loves that one... Captain Rex, isn't it?"

"Yes dear. Oh yes. I'll get it. Yup. Bye now. That was my wife, she's such a big fan of your work, Mrs. Amidala. Oh, my apologies, *Miss* Amidala. You're sure you're not married? Boy, that's a shock! Any fella would be lucky to have you. You know, I just met that Anakin fella..."

"I'll tell ya, this is a saberdart, laced with poison. Now here's the thing, Mr... uhh, Fett: normally you can't trace these sorts of things, but this one? It's got these cuts on the side - they give it away instantly. Technology these days, huh?"

Jango: "I don't know anything about a Kaminoan saberdart."

Columbo: "Oh, I didn't say Kaminoan, now did I?"

Jango: "...You pay pretty close attention, don't you lieutenant?"

"A blaster? Oh no sir, I don't carry a blaster around at all. I'll be honest, I don't like 'em. Too uncivilized."

"I know, you've said you think sandpeople murdered them. But here's the thing, sir, these tracks - they're side-by-side. Tusken Raiders always ride single-file to hide their numbers. Tusken Raiders didn't do this. But! ...We're meant to *think* they did. And I wanna know why."

Special Edition version of this tweet:

"Are you accusing me of lying, lieutenant?!"

"Oh no sir, not at all! It's just, these things, they bother me! These holocrons, they're tough nut to crack. And you know what? The only way you can open one is with the Force. So all I wanna know is: how'd you know what was on it?"

"Oh! I'm reading these Republic trade regulations. Not very exciting, you wouldn't be interested in it. Unless, you know, you're really into trade blockades, that sort of thing. These Trade Federations are really rough fellas, I wouldn't wanna mess with them, Mr. Palpatine, sir."

"Every step of the way, you always seem to have the answers, Mr. Palpatine. I guess that's why you're the Chancellor of the whole Republic, huh? *clasps hands together* Well, thanks for your time.

...Oh, just one more thing, sir: does the name Sidious ring a bell by any chance?"

Here's a little pit stop in the thread for my favorite Columbo screencap.

Also if you can help me out with a big vet bill I have, I'd greatly appreciate it! https://www.gofundme.com/f/paying-off-maxs-vet-bill-fund

"Now Mr. Tarkin, I understand you're a military man & all. You don't wanna talk business, I get it. I just gotta know, where'd you get your cooling system at? My wife's been begging me to get a new one. Yours is magnificent! Runs perfectly! Does it have a thermal exhaust port?"

"Now I'm not trying to be cruel, Mr. Binks, but according to this there's no reason Chancellor Palpatine couldn't have done this without the emergency senatorial powers you granted him."

"Yousa saying, meesa been tricksed?!"

"Yes Mr. Binks, I'm afraid so."

Alright, here's the capper for today: I just spent an hour editing together the beginning of Episode II as if it were a Columbo intro. Hoping you enjoy!

my only dream left in life now is for @rianjohnson to see these tweets and at least get a little chuckle out of them

one step closer

all of these tweets are made out of a deep, deep love and appreciation for both Star Wars and Columbo/Peter Falk

"Oh boy, he's a big fella, isn't he? You're sure you can take him on, Mr. Dooku sir? I certainly wouldn't be in here when you set him loose. Oh, my apologies, you won't be fighting him, I see. I see. So who will be? Wouldn't happen to be that Skywalker guy, would it?"

"Excuse me... sorry... pardon me... Uh, hello? Is there anyone here who could direct me to a... *looks at notepad, blaster fire whizzes past ear unbeknownst to the lieutenant* ...a Mr. Jango Fett? Mr. Jango Fett, anyone?"

"Here's the thing, Mr. Kenobi. You were sent here to catch General Grevious. Awful guy, I get it. But you were sent here by Palpatine. And he's got a lot of good reasons to keep you away from Coruscant right now. Number one? Anakin Skywalker - who's about to go to the dark side."

"Oh uh, I'm really sorry, I don't mean to pry, but uh... I just happened to end up in the back of your ship as you left Mrs. Amidala, well, I guess that's Mrs. Skywalker now. *pause* And, you see, it sure does seem like you're about to make a very bad decision, Mr. Skywalker."

Anakin: "You've turned her against me!"

Columbo: "No, Mr. Skywalker, I'm afraid that you've done that yourself."

"Now this Chancellor Palpatine is a wry fellow, a politician of dubious integrity. For a man like him to jump upon this Clone Army with such verve and vigor, it renders the mind skeptical of his true intentions. I suspect his goal is much more nefarious than we might realize."

...wait.