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https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🧵" title="Thread" aria-label="Emoji: Thread"> on ADHD & Friendships
Buckle up, friends. I& #39;m about to let you all in on the inside track of friendship with and for people with ADHD. It& #39;ll be based on my own experiences, so it& #39;s not all-encompassing, but I imagine there are a LOT of similarities. So here we go:
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Buckle up, friends. I& #39;m about to let you all in on the inside track of friendship with and for people with ADHD. It& #39;ll be based on my own experiences, so it& #39;s not all-encompassing, but I imagine there are a LOT of similarities. So here we go:
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Being friends with someone who has ADHD can be tough, for a whole bunch of reasons. A lot of people with ADHD struggle with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Basically, it& #39;s anxiety about people ignoring, distancing, or not accepting us for something we& #39;ve done.
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Instead of reaching out and trusting how it& #39;ll be received, RSD holds me back or at least makes me really struggle with certain things because I don& #39;t know how it& #39;s going to turn out. I& #39;m going to be rejected. So I overthink that email or overprepare for any phone call.
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RSD leads me to withhold a lot of things. I just feel better off not having to think about whether or not (and how) it will be received - especially when it comes to conflict. RSD leads me to feel like I might be "too much" for someone else, so let& #39;s tone it down.
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There is a connection to "alexithymia" which is also common for people with ADHD. It& #39;s a disconnect from understanding, naming, or feeling our own feelings. Emotional regulation is not a strong suit for many people with ADHD. It just takes extra work to feel it and name it.
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So, often I respond to things impulsively. There& #39;s a huge burst of emotional energy, and then it becomes inconsistent. Partly because I don& #39;t know how things are going to be received as I get closer, and partly because so many other things are vying for my attention.
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It also means that uncomfortable emotions (not dopamine-releasing ones) will get ignored or buried unless I& #39;m super intentional about processing them. This means that all that uncomfortable energy gets stored until something makes them surface at once and I blow a fuse.
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Add on top of that the toll that executive dysfunction has on friendships. It& #39;s hard to focus and be present, not because you& #39;re boring but because our brains are constantly looking for something to trigger dopamine.
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Follow-through is tough cause I so quickly move on to the next thing. Because working memory is affected, I will often forget what I was supposed to do to begin with. If I don& #39;t check in on people right the instant I think of it, it won& #39;t likely happen.
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DMs get buried. Texts go on without any answers. (Feeling overwhelmed and stressed makes those things even more likely to happen, cause I don& #39;t feel like I have the capacity to dig back through it - and then the guilt and the shame pile on too.) It& #39;s not personal, I swear!
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Add on top of that issues with object permanence. Now, none of you are "objects" but my mind doesn& #39;t really make that distinction. If you& #39;re not "right in front of me" my mind isn& #39;t going to pay attention to you. But it& #39;s not because I don& #39;t care for you...
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It& #39;s so easy for me to feel like I& #39;m a bad friend. I feel guilt and shame at not reaching out. Or at not being closer. I don& #39;t like it. I don& #39;t really choose it. I& #39;m working on it. Just know that even though I& #39;m not great at showing it, you are thought of and cared for.
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But, with all that said, I still love my ADHD. ADHD friends are creative, quick-witted, loyal, thoughtful, and extremely talkative about "our subjects". I& #39;m good. I& #39;m not fishing for compliments or solutions. Just sharing experiences and reflections as a person with ADHD.
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So, check-in on your friends, especially those who have ADHD. And remember that we all can use a little grace. Or a lot of grace. And we can all probably learn how to be better friends.
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