I don't know shit about other places in Texas, but here are my working theories (a thread)

Abilene: Selfish dicks who didn't know UT was supposed to win

Amarillo: Reachable by morning

Bastrop: Fires, floods, meth and Buc-ee's

Beaumont: The place everyone leaves, disses

(1/6)

Burnet: Nobody can pronounce it correctly/wants to live there

College Station: Won something in 1939

Corpus Christi: Means "Body of Christi"

Dallas: Shittier Ft. Worth

Denton: Shittier Lewisville

El Paso: Only place called Sun City that isn't an old folks community

(2/6)

Fredericksburg: Everyone there is German, a drunk tourist, or both

Frisco: Founded in 1904. Irrelevant since 1904

Ft. Worth: Dull and stanky

Gainesville: The worse Gainesville

Galveston: Boring island that everyone hopes floats away

Houston: Overrated concrete swamp

(3/6)

Huntsville: For the love of God just keep driving past when you see the sign, nobody has to piss that badly

Katy: Houston's Cedar Park

La Grange: 3% as cool as the song

Liberty Hill: When Leander is too woke for you

Lubbock: If you have a nose, don't live here

(4/6)

Luling: Smells like a wet fart mated with a damp wool sweater

Marfa: Sad Prada Store

Midland: (See Odessa)

New Braunfels: Mangy water slides

Odessa: (See Midland)

Paris: "We're not THAT Paris" ...."Yeah, no shit, genius"

Plano: City Hall is an Olive Garden

(5/6)

San Antonio: Tiny fort and fake-river strip mall

San Marcos: Smells like sunscreen, White Claw, and 975 SATs

Southlake: Shittier Westlake

Tyler: Shittier Longview

Waco: The only place y'all in Austin will be able to afford by 2023

(6/6)