Here’s what I’m thinking about this morning. And if you’re a white driver without a record like me, you can think about this too. It's a thread!

I’m thinking about the last time I was pulled over. It was in LA, years ago, and I was using my phone with my dumb hands, holding it up to my dumb face. I got a lecture and a warning, and I was super ashamed.

But before the shame: terror. My body couldn't help slamming my heart rate up and flooding my nerves with queasy adrenaline.

Even when I knew I have every institutional protection in the world because of what I look like, including the more subtle protections. The ones I didn’t even think about then, such as the presumption of my basic good intentions and complete personhood.

Even though I KNEW I was wrong, I still had those stories. The relative who simply informs police that they will not be giving her a ticket, and they don’t. The family friend at dinner that time who said speeding tickets are just the tax he pays because he likes to drive FAST.

Even though I am a natural rule follower, I realize now those family stories gave me permission me to push the law a little bit on the road, knowing that if I was pulled over, I might feel a little embarrassed, but I would definitely be alive at the end of it.

And I was right. The officer didn’t even ask me to get out of the car.

But your body still panics. Even if you’re a white (male) driver without a record like me, you’re still scared, flooded with wild emotion. We can’t help it: we’re human. And lucky for us, any officer we encounter probably agrees with us on that point.

But then I think about the fear of being stopped, of just driving!, without any of those institutional protections. Without the presumption of basic good will, human fallibility, the idea that non-white people need to get to places too.

And you certainly don’t have countless stories about how interactions with the police are basically OK, because in Black families and other families of color, they have different stories. True ones. What would the terror be like in that case?

We give a lot of consideration to the state of mind of police officers, their feelings, their fear. Especially after they have hurt or killed someone. And this is not wrong

I can’t imagine the stress and fear of that job. I’ve never felt truly my future balanced on the the three way tipping point between survival, life ruining tragedy, and life ending violence. As many police officers have felt. As well as many people they have pulled over.

Even just for air fresheners. Or tinted windows. Or a temporary license. Or missing tags.

But I think it’s time we also consider equally the state of mind of those drivers. At this point, if there ever was, there is no such thing as a “routine” traffic stop.

It is always a terrifying confrontation with authority licensed to detain, scold, humiliate, and arrest , and basically, still with very limited accountability, kill.

Drivers can try to “comply” or “be calm,” but that’s hard to do when your brain is screaming EMERGENCY at every cell in your body. Even if you’re a white, male driver without a record like me.

It should not be life-disqualifying that a driver acts confused, or upset, or asks questions, or makes an erratic move, or a sudden lunge for safety. Even try to escape, as wildly imprudent as that may be. This is what humans do.

And since we all know this, I might suggest that if you are to consider a career in law enforcement, you really ought to know the difference between your taser and your service weapon, for example.

Or have approaches in you repertoire beyond just screaming in an open window with your gun drawn on a US Service member.

And when we talk and write and legislate about and contemplate punishment for these things, consider the state of mind of the driver, who is also human and equally entitled to a full, complicated, inner emotional life, which is another way of simply saying #blacklivesmatter