I feel like the trouble with the "non-binary" label is the same as every other label - people have ALREADY attached pre-conceieved notions of what that is and now we're getting stereotypes attached to folk that are only trying to express their discontent with the gender system

which I guess is less of a problem with the label and more of a problem with the human propensity to needlessly categorize every single thing and try to recognise patterns where there are none

and I guess it's the same problem that already exists for people that use the "man" and "women" labels, or have those labels erroneously applied to them, as well

which is probably why so many nu-genders are being made up bcause folk specifically don't want to be boxed in so hope that creating new labels will seperate them from preconceptions, sadly only to be lumped in with the "neo-pronoun" stereotypes that are already commonplace online

leaving everyone in this weird place where no matter what you choose for yourself you WILL be subject to the whims of others and your image will never truly belong to you? which is uncomforatble but also just part of existing around other folk?

and even if you DO choose a different label so much of how you're viewed hangs on presentation, either chosen or just how you physically take up space, and sometimes that feels so sisyphean you just let the boulder smack you in the face and chill out at the bottom of the hill

I don't think it's a surprise to anybody that knows me that I'm deeply uncomfortable with existing and that does extend to gender and everything else but also I've tried existing in queer spaces and that also sucks/is like 80% posturing/uncomfortable

what is one to do.

legit feel like an alien/robot most of the time

folk tell me I've mannish tendencies but also I don't really get along with most men. the majority of my friends are woman for a reason I think. do I only come across mannish because I look like a greasy fry cook? or are they right

nobody really cares about my feelings. all my exes knew how I felt about this but also made a point to emphasise I had the broadest chest of anyone they'd ever been with, they usually went for more feminine types while simultaneously witholding affection when I shaved...

...my default "not woken up" state of not putting in effort to un-default my expression being "actively scary" at points because anything but positive emotions coming from someone that's got my build is aggressive and spooky

it's super nice and lefty to talk about autistic burnout and how difficult that is for people until you have to share a room with the prick with a face like a serial killer and the inability at that moment to change their tone to something that makes you actively feel good

how can someone that lives in that context, the context of having a physicality that provokes fear as standard, ever hope to identify as anything other than the Bull from that awful Lochhead poem. A Black Mass straining at my chains.

like? for real?

"men should show their emotions" but the second you sound negative in a way that isn't just uwu I'm so sad, the second there's an edge to it, you allow yourself some anger without even raising your voice, you're suddenly not just in the wrong but actively terrifying.

in one of my relationships I let my partner scream at me constantly, all the time for years because I was afraid if I screamed back it would sound like a domestic and I'd automatically be the one in the wrong. because her screaming is ok and me screaming is an act of violence.

one of my best mates did shit to me while I was sleeping until I was awake enough to tell her stop. she told our mates that I was a creepy predator because she was... embarrased? they believed her because -man-

lost many of friends. tried to kill myself. was mad for a few years.

how can someone that that has happened to claim to be anything other than male

I think I'm probably NB? But realisitcally what the fuck does that count for when it doesn't materially change anything and you'll always be a pigeon-chested gruff fear-provoking bastard? like be real

constantly being barraged with weird TERF bullshit all the time probably doesn't help this feeling mentally but the thing that really stings is all the queer folk that are just hypocrite bastards. how does one deal with that. the inability to not be... feared.

have I used the fear to my advantage? yeah. I get left alone at bars. I get belligerent drunks to fuck off. I project an aura of pure aggro that has in certain cases kept my mates safe. yeah. it's not all bad. I don't like having to be like that though but at least I'm useful.

beforehand I could at least pretend I pulled off the socially-accepted model of androgeny when I was skinnier but now that I'm fat in the way that men get fat - exclusively in the belly... games a bogey. that's it. no more pretending. you're just a fat bloke, deal with it.

I simply do not have the energy to put on the pantomine that is required to be accepted in most queer spaces. it's exhausting. and they're so prone to... cults of personality in a really bad way? so what's the point.

so I just default. but that doesn't feel right either. yeah.

if anybody has advice (other than "go to therapy" thanks) hit me up because honestly I'm just tired of everything. I've never corrected anybody's assumptions about my gender because I know it doesn't fucking matter. wide shouldered amab NBs, as far as I can tell, don't count? aye

is this the angriest and most nihilistic coming out twitter thread that has ever been written? absolutely not, but it's up there

I'm not in any way saying it's easier for AFAB and also feminine presenting folk, you guys have a much more difficult time of things in lots of different much more difficult ways. I know I'm being a big baby about this in the grand scheme of things

It's just a different kind of struggle. Being threatening. And it's not one you're allowed to be bitter about because... well... the lived experience of every woman ever

There's a certain very different kind of trauma growing up masculine needing to know how to fight.

I was good at fighting. I feel weird about that now. But it was necessary to allow for me to exist as a weird quiet nerd growing up where I did.

How do you reconcile that with... everything else. Sure I've been told I "fuck like a lesbian" whatever that means but I brawl like a man. I sound like a man. Provoke discomfort like a man. Take blame like a man. Looks like a man. So who the fuck am I to claim otherwise?

If I'm not able or willing to put in the hard graft required to look otherwise what meaning does my internal feeling of not Being That actually realistically have on my material existence?

Ive tried makeup - doesn't change that
Clothes- doesnt change that

Speaking with a softer voice? Doesnt change that

Posture? Gesticulations? Nothing changes how I come across.

It doesn't feel like a choice I can make.

The closest I've gotten to feeling like "me" ended up with folk labelling me as a gay hipster. Fucking woohoo

Short of getting on hormones like what the fuck is there to be done? I'm not sure I want that. I dont think that would feel like "me" either

So I'm just stuck like this. It's... vile. It's just vile. It feels so bad all of the time and it's such a non-issue.

I wish I didnt have a body. I wish I couldnt be percieved. A perfectly round floating sphere with a cool fern earring on. That's the ideal then. Although that might just be threatening and take up too much space in a different way. Oh well. Whatever. Yeah.

TLDR I'm NB I think

TW if you expand this thread - gender bs, molestation, suicide, being mental, the worst poet in scotland liz lochhead, fighting and other violence, general criticisms of queer groups

Just a heads up

gotten some messages asking for my pronouns and from the tone of this thread I'm going to have to say Fuck/Off