birthdays can be hard for autistics.

the build up, the excess attention, not knowing what gifts you'll receive and how you'll receive/react to them, messages from *too many* people. birthdays can be so so overwhelming and i wish allistics stopped labelling us as ungrateful.

for me, i feel so much anxiety around my birthday and i wake up full of dread - my family *always* ask me what i want to do and i *always* say that i don't know. if i had my way, i'd do nothing but that just makes me feel guilty because i know they want to do something.

i feel guilty when someone gives me a gift i didn't ask for, despite always requesting that people follow a list - but as i get older, that list gets harder and harder to make. it feels like there's no winning. i don't like surprises and i'm not very good at pretending.

i almost always end up in tears by mid morning & i never used to know why. now i know it's because i'm autistic & birthdays are just so overwhelming, especially my own. they're so awkward & i just want to escape. at school i was so relieved my birthday was always in the holidays.

other people just don't get that i'd rather ignore it, they think i'm just pretending and that i *do* want to do something huge, or when they do ignore it like i ask, i feel *intense* RSD from my adhd. i don't know what i want and there's no good outcome.

idk, i think i just wanted to talk about it on here because very few people IRL get it. my older sister LOVES birthdays and adores being the centre of attention, she doesn't understand that i don't. i just feel so uncomfortable every year without fail & the day is full of anxiety

anyway lmao happy 21st to me pls don't come for me today