I cannot stop thinking about how the most precious thing Hua Cheng gave to Xie Lian was the notion that Xie Lian deserved happiness. That he deserved to exist and be happy and be loved. These were things Xie Lian refused to accept for himself, until he met Hua Cheng.

Xie Lian spent CENTURIES doing what he felt was penance for his mistakes. As a narrator, he may seem very lighthearted with the way he plays off his misfortune as a joke. But his past is horrifying. He laughs things off because it is all he can do, the only way he can cope.

And all the while, Xie Lian thinks he deserves the punishment he asked for. For things he did when he completely lost his grip on reality due to EXTREME trauma after trauma. After being gaslighted and abused and BUTCHERED and finally breaking, just as BWX intended.

When he finally comes back to himself, saved by a single act of kindness, he holds himself completely responsible. Even when he isn't -- not entirely. He still thinks to himself "this is my fault, and I deserve to be punished for it."

Yet, despite of centuries of misfortune and solitude, Xie Lian does not turn cold or bitter. He stays true to his ideals, and gains the wisdom he lacked as a young prince or young god. He helps people as he can, comes to understand human nature and desperation.

A ghost that feeds on happiness literally starved in his presence.... That's awful, even if he waves it off. He appreciates what small blips of brightness he can find, and asks for nothing more.

All the while, he still sees himself as unworthy of ever "completing" his penance.

It's something he intends to do until the end of time, simply because he can no longer imagine what it's like to... just not. Or to be comfortable again. 800 years of poverty versus 17-20 years of luxury. Of course nice things (and especially opulence) make him bewildered.

Whenever he receives nice things -- be they material or not -- the first thing he thinks about is how to repay them. When Hua Cheng enters his life, Xie Lian constantly thinks of how he has no way to repay him for his time or his kindness, much less his material gifts.

For Hua Cheng, these things are the least of what he wants to give. But for Xie Lian, they are the most of what he could ever ask for. Companionship -- someone's time and energy. How dare he want that. How dare he yearn for it.

But Xie Lian yearns all the same, and feels immense guilt for it. Hua Cheng knows this. He knows what Xie Lian is too afraid to ask for, which is why he's very proactive about showing up and being beside Xie Lian whenever he can. To make him laugh, safe, and to feel not so alone.

"It wasn't until I met you, that I rediscovered what a simple thing it is to be happy" is one of the most heartbreaking lines in the novel. Xie Lian gives away so much with this. I needn't say much, because it stands on its own.

Combine that with what he says about secretly wishing for someone who saw all the ugly sides of him and who could still love him....

It's all of this that Hua Cheng gives him, completely.

When Hua Cheng reveals to him that he had seen all those sides of Xie Lian, and loved him -- not in spite of it, but through all of it -- it sets Xie Lian free. Hua Cheng truly frees him of his shackles, literally and metaphorically. Free of his own self-doubt.

It gives Xie Lian the strength he needs to forgive himself, and to move forward. To lay to rest those long, painful chapters of his life, and affords him what he needs to start anew.