You guys ready for a fun thread on yet another clownshow job description for a VP Marketing role?

This is for a "fast-growing, disruptive startup".

Brace yourselves.

You're tasked to lead the entire marketing function for this "product-led" company.

In startup parlance, that's code for "we've never really done marketing before and we think our product is bulletproof so we'll micromanage everything about your marketing strategy".

Success is measured by "a fast quarter-over-quarter growth rate" and user acquisition targets.

Right off the bat, this tells me they *only* care about numbers they can put in a deck for investors. Not the brand. Not the users. Just the numbers.

"Create a sustainable global user acquisition strategy in 3 months. Increase product qualified lead volume (PQL) by 3x+ in first 12 months."

90 days. For a global user acquisition strategy. And no mention of the baseline for said lead growth. Just 3x it, no matter what.

"...create top of funnel engagement and product usage in North America and APAC region in 6 months."

...what does this even mean? So I'm responsible for product adoption too? Oh, this is a "freemium" business so I guess so.

"Meet specific performance metrics related to funnel conversion, sales pipeline development, and revenue generation in 12 months."

Once again, it's evident what gets prioritized here. And this sort of sawed-off approach is why marketing fails.

"Design content creation and ownership process in 3 months."

In addition to that global acquisition strategy you need a content strategy in 90 days regardless of what you're walking into. Someone has already decided this objective for you.

Requirements include "a data-driven approach to business." This is almost always a crutch phrase for startups to say "hit the arbitrary goals or else".

"Readiness to work in a highly intense startup environment requiring extreme focus, a strong sense of ownership, and persistence to breakthrough."

This is just a string of red flags. You'll do this alone, with little support, and we will demand insane hours.

"Openness to constructive feedback and the opinions and ideas of others."

We are not marketers but we have strong opinions about marketing that we'll expect you to implement regardless of your professional expertise or ideas.

"We grow aggressively while preserving our culture of empathy".

Yeah, no. Just no.

"Our journey isn’t for the faint of heart. You need to be
an extremely fast learner to bring value to our users and the industry as a whole...see the big picture...significantly increase shareholder value over time."

We expect you to do the impossible.

In short, it took me three minutes to scan this job description and respond with a polite "Thanks but no thanks" to the recruiter who sent it.

This is the sort of outrageous shit that "growth" companies think constitutes marketing. And it's exhausting.

/fin

Oh PS you're responsible for branding, comms, user acquisition, content, marketing ops and events. Which ok, fine, you're the VP.

But then specific mention of designing funnels, executing campaigns, creating content and managing copywriters. Which is...tactical.

So this is a design/build role which isn't necessarily unusual for a startup or a young company, but coupled with the outrageous and pre-determined "success metrics", that's a hard no.

You want me to do it all? I design the strategy *AND* the goals that are realistic.