The couple years leading up to my deconstruction were years spent convincing myself I was ok. Even tho my heart was questioning a few things at that time and I knew I had more deep questions below the surface. I refused to let them rise up to my conscious mind.

I was satisfied with lying to myself to stay in an evangelical slumber.

Last spring when I finally decided to jump in and research my questions and the issues the church said are deal breakers it was like I began white water rafting the Terminator in Chile. Everything began moving at a breakneck speed.

There are many things that happen during deconstruction. What brought stability in the past now is turned upside down and untethered to any anchor. What was unclear before became crystal clear.  A sort of meditation of the mind and heart.

Evangelicalism created a murky, stagnant pond of thought in my mind. It had no room for other ideas and kept my heart trapped in one way only thinking. The narrative was always us vs them. Any theology that creates an us vs them dynamic is toxic.

Although deconstruction is total chaos in the beginning it is the best kind of upheaval. It gets the flow of ideas moving again so the pond of our mind no longer stays stagnant. As the water (ideas) begins flow healthy fresh water replaces the old filth.

A clarity permeates our minds/ponds so that we can see deep below the surface and see our reflection along the top. Self wakes up and realizes it's autonomous and powerful.

The fundamentalist/evangelicals are terrified of deconstruction. We can tell by how much they are beginning to talk about it. With a completely false view of it I might add.

Isn't that the evangelical way tho? Thinking they know all there is to know (with false humility of course) so as not to even be able to learn something different.

I'm learning not to depend too much on one thing and to live in the rainbow of thought life.  I'm a deeply emotional person and in the past have often allowed others too much access to my internal world. I gave myself away cause that's what the church taught me to do.

Now as I have been collecting "my selves" this sacred space that lives within me has illuminated just how scattered I have been. Depending on others for my self esteem. Not trusting myself. Terrified of abandonment. These are things that have colored my thought life.

Now that the pond is clearer than it ever has been I can see that I am my best friend. All this motivation stuff must come from within. How I love myself matters most.

My heart sickness is still very much there but instead of looking outward for the cure I now see that it lives within. Reintegration is the new reconstruction. This is the greatest gift deconstruction has given me.