FPL STATS OF SHITHOUSERY 𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑠

𝐓𝐄𝐀𝐌 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐄𝐀𝐊

The "ooh look they fucked my season" or "this is why I'm crap" edition

Absolutely sick of this shite. May pain is your gain.

Let's get this over with.

MARTINEZ – 5.4 – AVL

Look at this puffed-up pectoral prick tease. I mean seriously, his chest looks like he’s wearing the fucking bat suit underneath his jersey

The guy is behind a defence that concedes shots for fun and has fucking magnets for hands. That is fucking cheating.

DIAS – 6.2 – MCI

Finally bloody rested this week and look what happens? Won’t make that mistake again will you Pep you bald fraud. What a player. What an absolute fucking player

Have I owned him?

Not once… who needs him when you’ve built your defence around fucking Nolonso

SHAW – 5.3 – MUN

Never owned because he plays for my club and we defend like blind rabbits most of the time. Also does anyone commit more cynical hacks on the break in the history of football?

Pure shithouser. Legend. Now apparently fucking Cafu going forward.

CRESSWELL & COUFAL – 5.9/4.6 – WHU

Have owned both, always at the wrong times, because that’s the real skill in FPL.

Nothing screams expected xA then when which random West Ham fucking fullback will turn into superman on any given day.

Colossal fuck titans of skullduggery.

TAYLOR – 4.4 – BUR

Bought because Lucyturns him into Maldini then he gets fucking injured before a double. Great.

Then @FPLviKing_ inexplicably still keeps him, plays him and then he gets benched for no fucking reason so DALLAS CAN COME OF HIS BENCH ARE YOU KIDDING ME MATE

SOUCEK – 5.3 – WHU

Of course I’ve never owned. Why would I own someone who cost 5m, plays for a set piece masturbation team and is better with his head than a MegaBison? That would be stupid.

No wait. I’m the stupid one. It’s me. It’s always fucking me.

Except when it’s Elf.

SON – 9.4 – TOT

Here he is look, Mr blank when I own him and I’ll randomly smash in 4 goals from a 100% conversion rate when I don’t.

He won’t score against Utd again though, certainly not now he’s on the floor dead oh wait he’s magically recovered and scored like a wizard.

STERLING – 11.3 – MCI

Jack Grealish is in better form and he’s been injured for the past 2 months. An absolute steaming pile of faeces, a total shower of sullage, a colossal implosion of inadequacy.

Thank fuck I avoided him this week unlike the #expertwankers.

Toilet.

LOOKMAN – 5.0 – FUL

The anti Jesse Lingard. The mother of all expected goals means nothing prodigal sons.

He plays for Fulham, of course he’s going to be shit. He couldn’t even reach the fucking goal with a penalty you wankers.

Why was he in my team for TEN BLOODY WEEKS.

GUNDO-GUN – 5.9 – MCI

Obviously I didn’t own him for a 6-game stretch where he became Diego Maradona. No wait that’s not true, I owned him for the ONE BLANK in that period.

He scored 64 points in FIVE games around it. What the hell mate?

Just fuck me gently, please. Be quick.

DCL – 7.6 – EVE

He’s not good enough. He has two left feet. He’s rubbish, he’s terrible, I’d rather have Che Adams and a copy of fucking trainspotting.

What’s that, he’s scored 7 goals in his first 6 games?

I will never ever forget this evil. But my god, I’ll keep trying.

Wait what the game week isn't over? Calvert-Lewin hasn't even fucking played yet?

But half of twitter are posting their scores and green arrows like the world's biggest cock off?

Bloody hell. What next. People announcing they're quitting the gam... oh for fucks sake

HM out.