we all laugh about "cursed food" and market failures, but there is seriously something deeply, deeply unsettling about the McHula. A slice of hot pineapple between two pieces of american cheese on a bun. No burger. This is, for my money, the most disturbing cursed food yet made

its not even the most disgusting thing this one fast food franchise ever made! Its just... its JUST pineapple! and two slices of cheese! on the plainest bun! you look at it and you try to justify it and you can't! its like fast food from another dimension!

this is the kind of food a young lovecraft would have described having dreamt about watching foreigners eat in a city on the moon.

imagine sitting down for a meal and someone serves you this. even now, as you have endless time to prepare your theoretical response, you can think of nothing. all you could do is just stare at it and maybe cry in confusion. reality has been rendered meaningless. eat your McHula.

this is the sandwich you are given right after you arrive home from an adventure through time right after someone asks "but what impact could we have had on the timeline?" accompanied by a musical sting and fade to black

you see this motherfucker for sale you know that the simulation is crashing

also it turns out it wasn't even called the McHula, just the Hula Burger, and that is somehow even MORE bizarre! Why the fuck didn't they call it the McHula? Why did they half-ass even the name? also its just a big fucking slice of pineapple between american cheeses!

the FOUNDER invented it! He thought it would do really well with the christian market during lent! He sat down and drew up plans for this! He paid people to help him come up with this! They probably looked at a version with toppings and went "no way, just cheese. No, TWO cheese"

"Mr Kroc, should we put, I dunno, teriyaki sauce on it or something?"
"Fuck you, add another slice of cheese"
"Sir, I just think its kind of weird as it is-"
"Take all the sesame seeds off the bun! I'm Ray Fucking Kroc! My every whim is madness and chaos, peasant!"

Ronald McDonald was created because the only way to make this restaurant look real and not existentially horrifying was to pair the fevered chaos with whimsical clowns and puppets, but even with the addition of a grimace they still had to cancel the hula burger.

white ladies who make food crime videos on tiktok looking at this sandwich and going “well, this seems a bit much.” estonian lifehack sweatshop owners looking at this sandwich and going “this is unnecessary.”

People keep replying to this with “it’d work if it had other ingredients” and I’m just like, yeah, but it DIDN’T have other ingredients, did it?