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there is a lot to the thought "any decent man would find the current state of masculinity intolerably disgusting"
there is a lot to it that rings true
and yet, here i am
i have discarded my femininity
i have usurped the title of masculinity
there is a lot to it that rings true
and yet, here i am
i have discarded my femininity
i have usurped the title of masculinity
i think this was one of the toughest things for me to reconcile, about my existence, about the fact of me being trans
the fact of my maleness
i did not want to be the devil that most of the women in my life described as men
the fact of my maleness
i did not want to be the devil that most of the women in my life described as men
in fact, i thought i would lose a couple of the very precious women who had taken me under their wings and guided me in life
i thought it would show them that i was, indeed, the wolf in sheep& #39;s clothing i always believed i was
i thought it would show them that i was, indeed, the wolf in sheep& #39;s clothing i always believed i was
thankfully, they& #39;re still in my life, a reality that makes me want to cry with relief
i think i have
but the fear of the possibility still sleeps in my heart
i think i have
but the fear of the possibility still sleeps in my heart
because the things that separate me and "cishet man" are already rapidly vanishing
sure, i& #39;m NOT cis or het, but people who know that readily forget it in seconds
the truth is, it& #39;s only a matter of time before privilege turns me from oppressed to oppressor
sure, i& #39;m NOT cis or het, but people who know that readily forget it in seconds
the truth is, it& #39;s only a matter of time before privilege turns me from oppressed to oppressor
it& #39;s a cold reality to accept
i want nothing more than to turn away from it, to hide away in the long sleep that had previously spared me it
but that place is gone, and i am here, with no where to run
i want nothing more than to turn away from it, to hide away in the long sleep that had previously spared me it
but that place is gone, and i am here, with no where to run
all i can do is hope that, when it happens, someone will know me well enough to reach out and stop me
that someone will say "i know you well enough to know you don& #39;t want this, this is what you& #39;re doing"
that someone will say "i know you well enough to know you don& #39;t want this, this is what you& #39;re doing"
this has already happened, except no one stopped me
the memory of it haunts me
the memory of it haunts me
why didn& #39;t anyone stop me
did you think i was doing it on purpose?
i know that& #39;s not the kind of person either of us think i am
so why?
why didn& #39;t anyone stop me and point out what i was clearly failing to see???
did you think i was doing it on purpose?
i know that& #39;s not the kind of person either of us think i am
so why?
why didn& #39;t anyone stop me and point out what i was clearly failing to see???
i know that ultimately, it& #39;s my fault
i did that thing. i can& #39;t blame anyone for it but me
i was lucky, it was minor, something that, with an apology, affects me far more than it did the person it hurt
i did that thing. i can& #39;t blame anyone for it but me
i was lucky, it was minor, something that, with an apology, affects me far more than it did the person it hurt
i am also vividly and uncomfortably aware of how fallible i am
how fallible i am, BEFORE you even factor in that i have a literal disorder of attention
or how riddled my very nerves are by the scars of trauma
how fallible i am, BEFORE you even factor in that i have a literal disorder of attention
or how riddled my very nerves are by the scars of trauma
even worse, i understand that your fear is real
your lack of faith in my humanity
it is taught to you, logically; it is proven by your experiences
it is truth burned into your body, just like it is mine
your lack of faith in my humanity
it is taught to you, logically; it is proven by your experiences
it is truth burned into your body, just like it is mine
and you and i know, us broken people
we& #39;re unfit for power, we know its horrors, we want nothing to do with it
but i can& #39;t refuse it, i am chained to it by virtue of not wanting my existence to be suffering
we& #39;re unfit for power, we know its horrors, we want nothing to do with it
but i can& #39;t refuse it, i am chained to it by virtue of not wanting my existence to be suffering
i can& #39;t magically make myself happy from estrogen; i can& #39;t stop testosterone from masculinizing me
i can& #39;t stop people from granting me white man privilege when they see me
and i cannot be perfect
i can& #39;t stop people from granting me white man privilege when they see me
and i cannot be perfect
this thread is sorrow and grief
this thread is the end of the chapter of my life where i fled from power
the next one is a new beginning. the next one is hope
but this one ends with a desperate prayer
this thread is the end of the chapter of my life where i fled from power
the next one is a new beginning. the next one is hope
but this one ends with a desperate prayer
please stop me
please have faith in me, that i will listen, that i will want to hear it
and please, to the future me, please
listen
please have faith in me, that i will listen, that i will want to hear it
and please, to the future me, please
listen
