Thread by @Foone, well that's a good sign to start the game out with.hopefully every [...]

well that's a good sign to start the game out with.
hopefully every single line in the game has "that's what she said!" implicitly following it

I am CAPTAIN BIBLE!
Have you met my father, Major Tanakh?

and we have text injection

This is a 1994 DOS game called CAPTAIN BIBLE in Dome of Darkness.

it turns out it doesn't have a | glyph and REALLY doesn't want you to try to render it

Out of Urim and Thummim
I can give you unspoken words
that's never been spoken
it's not in your Bible
Yet, it does clarify
what is spoken in the Bible...

my fallback character of ! works fine

whoops

the worst character so far, the only one out of all 256 that has crashed, was 42. that's *

it crashes with "Verse not found"

I found some fun gibberishes. like 188 and 189

uhh, could you repeat that, sir?

and it's a font

So who talks first? you talk first, I talk first?

a valid question

the text is now in the right place, but there's no dialog box which makes it slightly hard to read

the good news is that I now have the dialog box working
the bad news is that it's covering up the entire screen

better!

ACTIVATE SADFACE.PNG

ahh yes my computer bible might be damaged.

oh that's good. I have 100% faith

I found my first metroid power-up station and loaded a bible verse

oh god (no pun intended) I think I just entered a Prayer Zone.

these are the 4 things I'm allowed to pray for

when you select one, you now have to find it in the bible

I have fought a giant orange spider called a Cyber

when you select them, it makes you fight their CYBER LIE by picking a bible verse to fight it, then you have to click it with your sword

FIGHTING THE CYBER LIE

I don't have the bible verse to defeat this Cyber Lie

but I can fight this Cyber Lie

I can pray to god to restore my faith in god.

uhh what

CONFRONT CYBER

my faith is at 30%! oh no

is this the only game you lose by becoming an atheist?

so by fighting some Cybers I was able to get to this verse, and now I need to backtrack to the right cyber to use it on

yes, this game is a metroidvania

oh hey my cyberbible has a map

yeah this is definitely a metroidvania

ATHEISM IS GETTING DANGEROUSLY CLOSE
probably not helped by this giant spider, which disproves the idea of there being a loving god

I died and went to The Simpsons intro

my eyes barely work today so I'm gonna have to stop for now

this cutscene plays when you hit 0% faith

this certainly is a game

NO NOT FURRIES! AHHHHHH

being converted makes sparkles fly around you

having the mouse cursor over the words makes it look like she's saying THALK YOU FOR SHOWING ME THE TRUTYH

the false christ thing is amazing in motion

THIS IS WHAT CHRISTIANS ACTUALLY BELIEVE

the biggest challenge facing christians today? those floating drone-orbs that use lightning to erase your memory of bible verses

oh boy, this level is way more complicated.

I googled for cheats and instead it just told me I'm going to hell

wait, so fighting Satan's Robot only does like 15% damage, but touching that red floor thing ONE HIT KILLS YOU?

yes.
television is of the devil
you should only play MS-DOS games

STOP CALLING ME
WHO GAVE YOU THIS NUMBER

the first enemy of level 2 is confusing, because you have no verses except 1, and it demands a verse you don't have

except unlike EVERY OTHER ENEMY YOU HAVE ENCOUNTERED UP TO THIS POINT, you can walk past this one

I like how when you get a skype call asking you about the bible, you can just go I HAVE TO GO NOW and whack the power button

teachers are a drag! this game is from 1994!

yes debbie, that's exactly what the bible means

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