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if there& #39;s a sort of "shadow" that I hide from main underneath my friendly ambitious nerd persona – which is a genuine, honest expression of myself – it might be that I have an intense rage at/for what I perceive to be cowardice and incompetence
I had a flash of it emerge for me earlier, which kind of shocked and surprised me, so I figure that& #39;s my cue to bring it out into the open and talk about it
I think part of it is that some part of me is frustrated with myself for having taken so long with the book that I& #39;m working on. another compassionate part of me knows and understands that it takes what it takes, but the angry part doesn& #39;t give much of a fuck about that
I don& #39;t like "bottled up" as a metaphor. I don& #39;t think my rage is "bottled". I think it& #39;s just... deep rooted? underground? it& #39;s like molten lava running through a cave. for the most part I don& #39;t find it necessary or useful to make a show of it. it exists, I express it sometimes
yeah I think part of what& #39;s uncomfortable to talk about – some of this stuff is internalized via external social cues. I didn& #39;t invent this harshness, I inherited it. I grew up in some harsh & cruel environments, which is how I learned to be harsh & cruel https://twitter.com/diviacaroline/status/1381340733718683648">https://twitter.com/diviacaro...
so like, it& #39;s... this double-edged thing, right. I& #39;m kind of reminded of Kratos& #39;s Blade of Chaos from God Of War (2016). There& #39;s something quite cursed about this stuff. Dark, burning shit from a past life that you hope you never have to think about again, let alone *use*
huh Kratos really gives me a narrative to set this against. He associates the chained blades (and the resulting scars) with *monstrosity*, they remind him that HE *was* a monster. But at the end of his journey he realizes he isn& #39;t that any more. "I have nothing more to hide".
I guess in some way I too have been bandaging up my own arms, being afraid - no... - ashamed? of my own power, my own anger and rage, because the last time(s) I got truly mad, *years* and *years* ago, things turned out terribly. I think I can let this go now.
I& #39;ve seen the tremendous damage rage & contempt can do. I must have like 20 threads about this stuff– never summon a demon to destroy your enemies, because it& #39;ll consume everything in the process. But also, legitimate righteous anger can give you a *clarity* like nothing else
but how do you know if your anger is legitimate? for many years, I didn& #39;t know. There were a lot of things I didn& #39;t know, and I like to humor myself with the conceit that "I& #39;ve resolved most of them" – but anger/rage/contempt is definitely the final boss https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/981637431639228416">https://twitter.com/visakanv/...
aaaaanndddddd this thread might be the heart of the missing chapter in my book that I& #39;ve been struggling to identify. FML at how this is such a cliche trope of "you receive what you& #39;re trying to get when you finally surrender". 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😡" title="Schmollendes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Schmollendes Gesicht">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😭" title="Laut schreiendes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Laut schreiendes Gesicht">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😩" title="Mattes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Mattes Gesicht">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😂" title="Gesicht mit Freudentränen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit Freudentränen">
"visa why are you taking so long with introspect"
"idk. it& #39;s missing something..."
"what?"
"idk, if I knew what was missing I would know where to look"
"well where are you going to look"
"https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😡" title="Schmollendes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Schmollendes Gesicht"> I DONT KNOW OMFG- ....wait. fuuuuuck me."
"idk. it& #39;s missing something..."
"what?"
"idk, if I knew what was missing I would know where to look"
"well where are you going to look"
"
