if there's a sort of "shadow" that I hide from main underneath my friendly ambitious nerd persona – which is a genuine, honest expression of myself – it might be that I have an intense rage at/for what I perceive to be cowardice and incompetence

I had a flash of it emerge for me earlier, which kind of shocked and surprised me, so I figure that's my cue to bring it out into the open and talk about it

I think part of it is that some part of me is frustrated with myself for having taken so long with the book that I'm working on. another compassionate part of me knows and understands that it takes what it takes, but the angry part doesn't give much of a fuck about that

I don't like "bottled up" as a metaphor. I don't think my rage is "bottled". I think it's just... deep rooted? underground? it's like molten lava running through a cave. for the most part I don't find it necessary or useful to make a show of it. it exists, I express it sometimes

yeah I think part of what's uncomfortable to talk about – some of this stuff is internalized via external social cues. I didn't invent this harshness, I inherited it. I grew up in some harsh & cruel environments, which is how I learned to be harsh & cruel https://twitter.com/diviacaroline/status/1381340733718683648

so like, it's... this double-edged thing, right. I'm kind of reminded of Kratos's Blade of Chaos from God Of War (2016). There's something quite cursed about this stuff. Dark, burning shit from a past life that you hope you never have to think about again, let alone *use*

huh Kratos really gives me a narrative to set this against. He associates the chained blades (and the resulting scars) with *monstrosity*, they remind him that HE *was* a monster. But at the end of his journey he realizes he isn't that any more. "I have nothing more to hide".

I guess in some way I too have been bandaging up my own arms, being afraid - no... - ashamed? of my own power, my own anger and rage, because the last time(s) I got truly mad, *years* and *years* ago, things turned out terribly. I think I can let this go now.

I've seen the tremendous damage rage & contempt can do. I must have like 20 threads about this stuff– never summon a demon to destroy your enemies, because it'll consume everything in the process. But also, legitimate righteous anger can give you a *clarity* like nothing else

but how do you know if your anger is legitimate? for many years, I didn't know. There were a lot of things I didn't know, and I like to humor myself with the conceit that "I've resolved most of them" – but anger/rage/contempt is definitely the final boss https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/981637431639228416

aaaaanndddddd this thread might be the heart of the missing chapter in my book that I've been struggling to identify. FML at how this is such a cliche trope of "you receive what you're trying to get when you finally surrender".

"visa why are you taking so long with introspect"

"idk. it's missing something..."

"what?"

"idk, if I knew what was missing I would know where to look"

"well where are you going to look"

" I DONT KNOW OMFG- ....wait. fuuuuuck me."