I starting taking ADHD meds.
It made me fully understand how many problem ADHD caused me.
ADHD is underdiagnosed and undertreated in Italy (and other countries), or laughed off as a quirk.
So let's talk about ADHD and treatment.

KIDS (AND ADULTS), DO DRUGS: A THREAD

I went to treatment for ADHD on my therapist's suggestion.
After one year of therapy, where she helped me a lot in dealing with the anxiety *caused* by my inability to do basic life stuff, she told me, verbatim: "you should start your day with coffee and ritalin".

After diagnosing me with a concentration span that would be a disgrace for a goldfish, my (very good) psychiatrist prescribed me the lowest possible dose of methylphenidate to start with.
He expected me to feel no effects - which, uh, turned out to be *very* wrong.

A few hours after taking the first dose - honestly expecting no effects - I started rifling through my inbox (I have a kind-of-freelance-IT-job) and completing minor jobs I'd been procrastinating for weeks.
It felt so easy I barely realized that was unusual.

After that I dealt with a bank\\bureaucracy thing, and it was as easy as any other 10 minutes activity.
And I realized that was *strange*: dealing with the tiniest bureucracy problem, for me, is usually a one-hour gruelling operation that leaves me exhausted.

It may sound stupid to most people.
But "log to the bank site, check the password, confirm from your phone, do the payment, confirm again" is a legit nightmare to me.
My attention wanders halfway through it, and I have to try 2-5 times.

I used to have troubles breathing and start sweating even to open my mail during my PhD, because I was *never* up to date with the bureucratic stuff, and dealing with it was - it's no exaggeration - painful.

I realized it taking the meds: when starting any small activity, I was bracing for a stab of anxiety so bad it was like physical pain.
Except with the meds, for the first time in my life, it didn't come. I could just do the things.

I'm noticing how much stuff gave me the same spike of dread. Like picking up the phone.
Or doing chores - I used to always leave the cutlery in the sink when I did dishes, because the thought of doing so many actions filled me with dread.

Today I tidied up my desk. I moved stuff that had been there for more than one year, and it was no problem.
It's not the first time I completely clean my desk.
But in the past, it took me much more time, and left me exhausted and upset.

It's hard to explain *why* taking up an object, focusing on it, deciding whether to put it in the trash or some more appropriate place *scared* me, but it did, all my life, and today it didn't.
I felt the weirdest elation, I cleaned a desk and it felt like killing a dragon.

I always thought the core issue with my ADHD was that I got distracted halfway through menial tasks.
But it's not quite that: I avoided doing those tasks because they cost me energy, to the point it was *painful*.

I had teachers, parents and people telling me "just do it, it takes like 10 minutes" for all my life, and always felt terrible\\lazy for not doing it.
Untill the smallest stuff became a monster of anxiety and I avoided it even more strongly in a spiral of avoidance.

Now I understand it by contrast - like a noise you hear for your life, untill suddenly it's gone, and you realize not everyone heard it.
I wasn't "just" lazy, and even being easily distracted wasn't the core problem.
I distracted myself *to avoid pain*.

"just do it, it takes 10 minutes" doesn't sound that good if the task is stabbing your hand repeatedly with a knife.
And THAT, to me, is what having ADHD feels like. Every small task has a cost in energy and pain.

To me, untreated ADHD meant being at war with my own mind, all the time.
With no possibility of winning: when I managed to force myself to do something I didn't want to, it left me exhausted and stressed.
Paying a utility bill consistently ruined my day.

Basically, the only way I could ever do anything was riding my random, unpredictable hyperfocus. (incidentally, you might have noticed I stopped doing threads abruptly in January. I ran out of hyperfocus, and managed only 2 threads since.)

Anything else I could do only in extremely small chunks.
Not like "study 30 minutes, 10 minutes of pause" - like "study 1 minute, then your attention wanders off for 5, still feel exhausted".
I'm not exaggerating one bit on the span.

It made university pretty much a nightmare, and my whole school history, primary school to PhD, was teachers being disappointed that "you're so smart, why do you do so bad at exams? Can't you *just* study for once?"

Well, I couldn't, for the first time I'm really sure of it.
Before taking these meds, I couldn't concentrate for 30 minutes more than I could fly to the moon.
I felt I had I had no control over my academic performance, and turns out it was true.

Even working on my hobbies is incredibly hard.
I wrote almost a whole novel in November, in a burst of hyperfocus so strong I had to stop typing to avoid tendon damage.
It's April, and *I'm still editing it*, incredibly slowly.

I could have used these meds *much* sooner, but no teacher or parent ever suggested it, despite my VERY obvious inability to concentrate on anything.
I still managed to stumble through academia.
I know people who didn't, and gave up their studies, or passions.

Being extremely easy to distract, and needing constant stimulation, is seen as a fun quirk when you still manage to do stuff, and as a failing when you can't.
No one ever suggested I had a serious issue, because "I'm smart."

So, my point is: ADHD can be a pretty serious problem, and while the meds shouldn't be taken lightly, they can help A LOT.
At least in Italy, it's seriously underdiagnosed and undertreated.
If you have problems like the ones I described, *do* contact a psychiatrist.

And, bluntly said, if they refuse to even test you for ADHD (or express extreme skepticism about it), change doctor and find one who takes you seriously.
There's a strong tendency to disbelieve ADHD in adults, or chalk the sumptoms under a different problem, like anxiety.

Of course, don't ignore your doctor, and if you *are* tested and is a sure negative, you probably have a different issue.
But at least in Italy, there's a strong tendency for medical professionals to treat it as childhood-only problem.

Just consider that methylphenidate - largely considered to be the most effective treatment - is *not* approved for adult use in Italy.
My psychiatrist had to make a special prescription to get around it. Other doctors might be reluctant to do the same.

Important note: the meds I'm taking have substantial side-effects, and I'm feeling those too (increased heartbeat, lack of hunger, headache).
I'll have to check with the doctor to see if I can take them in the long run, or should try a different drug.

So while overall they had a great effect on me, be well aware these meds aren't candies, and take them only with a psychiatrist following you.
Incidentally, the drug I'm taking is equasym, similar to better-known ritalin but slower acting.

A FEW MORE NOTES:

- ADHD is actually a broad label for different conditions. Some people with ADHD might entirely not relate to this, so remember this is my personal experience, and far from universal.
Still, remember ADHD is not just an endearing tendency to say "ooh, shiny".

- It's not entirely correct that no-one guessed I had serious issues.
A math teacher thought I had dyscalculia. While she was wrong, she helped me a lot in high school and I'll tell the story properly at some point, but I want to mention her immediately.

- If you live in Italy near Bologna and need the psychiatrists' contact information DM me.
I know finding a doctor willing to consider ADHD in adults is not trivial. Overall I have a very positive experience with him so far, but be aware that he's a private practitioner.