i am still hot even though i am sort of crazy and i should allow myself that send tweet

flowers for this bitch, sorry really um, positivity movement

but also just wanna say that i’m quite proud of myself re: a bunch of things i’ve been up to emotionally and like ... esp re: my queer identity+desire which has been basically nonexistent for a v. along time since The Incident

i mean, not just On Here, but also just like allowing myself different ways of Seeing how I might relate with people intimately, making space for these negotiations, **nuanced feelings** something i’ve been trying to commit to as well

idk i can totally handle the ramifications of it now, or atleast, now I feel committed to accepting that i **am** queer and possibilities that allows to me =))) possibilities that feel more natural and right!!!!!!!!

also learning to speak abt what it means... affirming that ya i’m kinda a freak, but not in a judgemental superego way, but in a ... inner child loving way

and also just because i’m a freak it doesn’t mean i’m not allowed to have love (in between queerness, neurodivergence, weird fixations) and that people might like me /because/ i’m a freak, not accept me /despite/ the fact that i’m a freak

just happy times with freaks!!!! freaks love freaks!!!!!!

ya and this absolutely iconic day where we set up an impromptu palm reading shop outside of dorothy’s n pissed in alley. it was great we had a lot of fun, too bad natacia wasn’t there.

i think... yeah, like just so many things happened this year because of this awakening, that it feels once again like my life is unfurling in this unpredictable way that I used to only think was possible when I was 15-16 (and openly queer)

after 16 I just threw myself into 2 long relationships (one 2 years long, another 5 years long) and during this time I always wondered like.. um,,, who was that gal... at 14,15,16?.... where did she go? not realising that maybe... i just wasn’t (lol) living [[true]] to myself

I still dk actually if queerness is um this {{silver bullet}} answer as to why i’m so different now, but if we define it as the ability*commitment to suspend your identity in a constant state of becoming, flux and expansion, be it gender/sexuality*desire modalities, then ya it is

n and i spoke abt how growing up we were sort of thoughtlessly bold and instinctual, so the task of our 20s is to live true again to this spirit of boldness, this “second adolescence”, but w/ a more rooted embodiment & I think re: queerness, it’s defo this for me now

=]]] I mean nuanced feelings,,, of course, of course,,,, =]]] things are sorta weird sometimes now because 1) i am allowing more possibilities for myself 2) stringing together these possibilities into legibility is more complicated than defaulting to easier answers

but I also think because i can? do it now, or bare minimum, i believe that eventually i’ll be able to do it, then i can live like this! now! it’s important to me that i negotiate intimate possibilities for myself this way& allow space for each person’s unique arrangement

anyway ya also 100% love natacia lim... we had a really weird relationship for 2 precocious young kids meeting on the internet and semi-ghosting each other for years because of unhinged problems but .... ya i mean.... props to her really.... her heart+soul+brain is so big

we just have a lot of fun but mostly i’m just grateful we’re together

i think, another thing I really like abt natacia is that... (I said this that night we were drinking makgeolli from a plastic bowl) she makes people feel possible.... like a transformer, she channels unruly itchy energy from a single channel into productive expansion

outwards into many newfangled paths that suddenly feel firm enough to traverse upon!!!!!! and honestly that’s her gift. she also makes people feel brave+ a lot of fight in her to champion people, perceptiveness to see the best parts of people, and diplomacy to be gentle yet firm

so much moral, existential, intrapersonal, interpersonal, linguistic (lol she’s like, best poet I know, except maybe second to siken), logical intelligence um no spatial intellect at all... also best lazy smart person I know w/ gift for extrapolating knowledge from close 2 ntg

anyway wow i would write a recommendation letter for natacia lim 10/10 completely support, inundated w/ love for this bitch w/ gleaming insides, chartoyancy scale to the 10, fox eye, four eyed oracle etc etc pretty equatorial flame flower etc etc

anyway she feels super uncomfortable being praised so just follow her @ntclmzq and scream in her ear thanks!

I realised that this thread should be in the natacia lim thread but I got sidetracked ha ha ha ha ha ha i love myself n my fat hibiscus energy ..... peace