It feels strange.

I know I have friends who like me. Who think I'm cool and interesting. Who value me. So, clearly, I must have some good qualities, right? Something about me is good enough for extremely cool people to think "oh yeah, she's as cool as us, she deserves our time"

And yet so often I find myself thinking that... I can't pinpoint those qualities. Even if someone tells me what they like about me, its always so hard to see those things in me. People being worried for me just always feels so... "alien"? "undeserved"?

I often think of myself as "The Sad Friend". you know, the friend you have who's just kinda sad? and i always fear that at one point that sadness will just become too much and people will drop me.

and yet the friends I have now - I've been friends with them for years. Some for 3, some for 2, but literally years. And these last few years have been incredibly awful, and they're still here?
and i dont know how to thank them?

i try to, best I can, but... i always feel like i owe my friends something. like im wasting their time, or like im a burden on their life, and I know i can trust my friends to tell me off if i get to be too much, and yet

im scared.

all the time.

is this a subtweet? quite a few of my friends follow me on this website, so there are chances of them seeing this thread?

i dont know.

fear and guilt. how did those feelings end up taking me over?
(the answer is trauma)