TW // ED

I'm not really sure what the point of me sharing my own history with anorexia is, other than to maybe contribute to normalising talking about eating disorders.
I don't even know where to start.
TW // ED

I grew up as an undiagnosed autist, and I think that played a large role.

Years of bullying and rejection from almost everyone I knew (& quite a few I didn't) at school left me suffering from depression, which I self-medicated with food.
TW // ED

P.E. wasn't fun due to the bullying. I've also always had problems overcoming inertia - it's really hard for me to go from being inactive to active - which people (including myself) attributed to laziness.
As a result I was somewhat overweight by the time I reached 18
TW // ED, fatphobia

I found my weight had become another thing depressing me, but realised it was something I had control over, unlike so much else in my life at that time.
So I started dieting and exercising.
It began "innocently" enough, but over time spiralled into anorexia
TW // ED, Fatphobia

I feel it would be more harmful than helpful to go into detail about exactly what I did back then, so I'll leave it out.

Anyway, as I continued to lose weight I received more & more validation from others, which is like a drug to undiagnosed autists.
TW // ED, alcohol

What eventually "saved" me was developing a dependency on alcohol when I went to uni, still undiagnosed.
It sounds like an offensive attempt at a joke, but the only way I could cope with being in a new place with new people was to drunk as much as possible
TW // ED, alcohol, drugs

Being drunk most of the time, as well as getting the munchies when smoking weed with my new friends, freed me from my anorexia, & I honestly have no idea how things could have turned out if it hadn't.
TW // ED

I still occasionally have to fight urges to punish myself by withholding food. It's hard & probably something that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
But I consider myself lucky, because I did come back from it.
Not everyone gets to.
TW // ED, fatphobia

I guess that the point of this thread is that fatphobia, both within institutions & in society, is a killer, & we need to talk about it much more than we currently do.
Eating disorders are mental illnesses that are both triggered by & validated by fatphobia.
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