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Common parent question answered: What do I do when my autistic child upsets a non-autistic child? Do I tell them to change their tone/not say mean things?
Answer: The problem for me was that I'd say something I didn't think was hurtful 1/16
Common parent question answered: What do I do when my autistic child upsets a non-autistic child? Do I tell them to change their tone/not say mean things?
Answer: The problem for me was that I'd say something I didn't think was hurtful 1/16
because -I- prefer truth! Even if it may "sound harsh" to NTs, I don't really mind when people are honest. In fact I'm less annoyed when they're honest than if they pretend like they like something, because I can tell they're insincere then don't know what they're thinking) 2/16
& then people would get mad at me for saying it, without explaining why they think it's hurtful.
The truth is, a lot of NTs prefer non-truths. It's true. Neurotypical people create white lies all the time in order to make people feel better. 3/16
The truth is, a lot of NTs prefer non-truths. It's true. Neurotypical people create white lies all the time in order to make people feel better. 3/16
As an autistic person, I find this so, so weird. I don't want people to say lies to make me feel better. I want to know what reality is and what the truth is. It will hurt my feelings less the more direct it is. 4/16
It's not a right vs. wrong, it's that people's brains, and how they interact with words are different. Sometimes I shouldn't say things that I know hurt people's feelings - but most of the time I don't even know that it will hurt someone's feelings! 5/16
& we shouldn't be punished for that. I would get "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Do you know what this meant for me? I couldn't say Anything because I never knew when someone would get mad at me for a neutral statement, 6/16
Do you know what this meant for me? I couldn't say Anything because I never knew when someone would get mad at me for a neutral statement, 6/16
or even for saying something I thought would be helping someone!!
Autistic people grow up getting ignore, being told they are being "rude" and they're "talking back" all the time. At school, at home, in public.
We don't need even more of it from parents. 7/16
Autistic people grow up getting ignore, being told they are being "rude" and they're "talking back" all the time. At school, at home, in public.
We don't need even more of it from parents. 7/16
Telling an autistic kid to "stop being rude" or "stop saying mean things" or "drop that attitude" or "don't talk back" or "don't complain" basically just amounts to -
Don't speak.
Neurotypical people's rules are nonsensical and inconsistent at best. It depends on context. 8/16
Don't speak.
Neurotypical people's rules are nonsensical and inconsistent at best. It depends on context. 8/16
And when an autistic child grows up not being able to understand that context they will upset neurotypical people. That's just true.
Because NT people don't want honesty. They want a social agreement of "niceness" & "niceness" includes lying to make NTs feel better. 9/16
Because NT people don't want honesty. They want a social agreement of "niceness" & "niceness" includes lying to make NTs feel better. 9/16
Here's an example - In many (not all) neurotypical women-women friendships, if they vent to each other, and they're angry and upset about something, they just want to agree even if they actually disagree about the situation. They don't want problem solving or a discussion. 10/16
They want to be fed the idea that they are right because contextually they're venting. If you say truthful statements, if you mention that there's a clear solution or that they could do X to help fix it, you are a "bad friend." They want emotional support. 11/16
It doesn't matter what is truthful, what is "accurate" in the scenario is that this friend -is 100% correct no matter what.- Because that's what is expected. And it's expected to go the other way too (which is why it can be very hard to get honest NT opinions). 12/16
And I'm not saying autistic people can't learn more about context and when not to chime in - but we are not 100% of the problem here. And an autistic child who doesn't have that skill or mental energy to devote to figure that out doesn't deserve to be told they're wrong. 13/16
The best advice would be to explain that neurotypical people sometimes truly don't want the truth & it's hard to tell when. And maybe they should find other friends who actually want their honest opinion, just as they would want an honest opinion from their friend. 14/16
Help follow-up blog posts: 15/16 https://autisticscienceperson.com/2020/12/20/autistic-anxiety/
Reminder that asking an autistic kid to "control their tone" is like asking you to go ride an invisible elephant better. 16/16 https://autisticscienceperson.com/2021/01/09/neurotypicals-listen-to-our-words-not-our-tone/
