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Common parent question answered: What do I do when my autistic child upsets a non-autistic child? Do I tell them to change their tone/not say mean things?
Answer: The problem for me was that I& #39;d say something I didn& #39;t think was hurtful 1/16
Common parent question answered: What do I do when my autistic child upsets a non-autistic child? Do I tell them to change their tone/not say mean things?
Answer: The problem for me was that I& #39;d say something I didn& #39;t think was hurtful 1/16
because -I- prefer truth! Even if it may "sound harsh" to NTs, I don& #39;t really mind when people are honest. In fact I& #39;m less annoyed when they& #39;re honest than if they pretend like they like something, because I can tell they& #39;re insincere then don& #39;t know what they& #39;re thinking) 2/16
& then people would get mad at me for saying it, without explaining why they think it& #39;s hurtful.
The truth is, a lot of NTs prefer non-truths. It& #39;s true. Neurotypical people create white lies all the time in order to make people feel better. 3/16
The truth is, a lot of NTs prefer non-truths. It& #39;s true. Neurotypical people create white lies all the time in order to make people feel better. 3/16
As an autistic person, I find this so, so weird. I don& #39;t want people to say lies to make me feel better. I want to know what reality is and what the truth is. It will hurt my feelings less the more direct it is. 4/16
It& #39;s not a right vs. wrong, it& #39;s that people& #39;s brains, and how they interact with words are different. Sometimes I shouldn& #39;t say things that I know hurt people& #39;s feelings - but most of the time I don& #39;t even know that it will hurt someone& #39;s feelings! 5/16
& we shouldn& #39;t be punished for that. I would get "if you don& #39;t have something nice to say, don& #39;t say anything at all."
Do you know what this meant for me? I couldn& #39;t say Anything because I never knew when someone would get mad at me for a neutral statement, 6/16
Do you know what this meant for me? I couldn& #39;t say Anything because I never knew when someone would get mad at me for a neutral statement, 6/16
or even for saying something I thought would be helping someone!!
Autistic people grow up getting ignore, being told they are being "rude" and they& #39;re "talking back" all the time. At school, at home, in public.
We don& #39;t need even more of it from parents. 7/16
Autistic people grow up getting ignore, being told they are being "rude" and they& #39;re "talking back" all the time. At school, at home, in public.
We don& #39;t need even more of it from parents. 7/16
Telling an autistic kid to "stop being rude" or "stop saying mean things" or "drop that attitude" or "don& #39;t talk back" or "don& #39;t complain" basically just amounts to -
Don& #39;t speak.
Neurotypical people& #39;s rules are nonsensical and inconsistent at best. It depends on context. 8/16
Don& #39;t speak.
Neurotypical people& #39;s rules are nonsensical and inconsistent at best. It depends on context. 8/16
And when an autistic child grows up not being able to understand that context they will upset neurotypical people. That& #39;s just true.
Because NT people don& #39;t want honesty. They want a social agreement of "niceness" & "niceness" includes lying to make NTs feel better. 9/16
Because NT people don& #39;t want honesty. They want a social agreement of "niceness" & "niceness" includes lying to make NTs feel better. 9/16
Here& #39;s an example - In many (not all) neurotypical women-women friendships, if they vent to each other, and they& #39;re angry and upset about something, they just want to agree even if they actually disagree about the situation. They don& #39;t want problem solving or a discussion. 10/16
They want to be fed the idea that they are right because contextually they& #39;re venting. If you say truthful statements, if you mention that there& #39;s a clear solution or that they could do X to help fix it, you are a "bad friend." They want emotional support. 11/16
It doesn& #39;t matter what is truthful, what is "accurate" in the scenario is that this friend -is 100% correct no matter what.- Because that& #39;s what is expected. And it& #39;s expected to go the other way too (which is why it can be very hard to get honest NT opinions). 12/16
And I& #39;m not saying autistic people can& #39;t learn more about context and when not to chime in - but we are not 100% of the problem here. And an autistic child who doesn& #39;t have that skill or mental energy to devote to figure that out doesn& #39;t deserve to be told they& #39;re wrong. 13/16
The best advice would be to explain that neurotypical people sometimes truly don& #39;t want the truth & it& #39;s hard to tell when. And maybe they should find other friends who actually want their honest opinion, just as they would want an honest opinion from their friend. 14/16
Help follow-up blog posts: 15/16 https://autisticscienceperson.com/2020/12/20/autistic-anxiety/">https://autisticscienceperson.com/2020/12/2...
Reminder that asking an autistic kid to "control their tone" is like asking you to go ride an invisible elephant better. 16/16 https://autisticscienceperson.com/2021/01/09/neurotypicals-listen-to-our-words-not-our-tone/">https://autisticscienceperson.com/2021/01/0...
