The word "fat" is not inherently fat-shaming. "You can't do that, you're too fat" is fat-shaming. "I am a fat person, I am doing things as a fat person" is not fat-shaming. My own awareness of how the world sees me is not inherently fat-shaming.

COVID locked down the world just as I was switching from a doctor who said outright that she wouldn't be happy until I got down to 120 lbs., which is actively unhealthy for my build, to one who just wants me to be healthy and stable.

I managed to complete the switch, thankfully, but my new doctor has never seen me, and for the first time in my life, I've been able to experience Skinny Girl Health Care.

Maybe he's just that amazing! I don't know! But what I do know is I said "my ankles are swelling" and he didn't say "it's all the fatness," he said "let's adjust your medication, that's an uncommon reaction to one of the drugs you're on."

I said "I am sad and scared all the time, I want to go back on Wellbutrin" and he didn't talk about its weight neutrality, he wrote me a prescription so I could be less sad.

I fucking love him. And right now, my therapist and I are working on the fact that I'm afraid to meet him. I don't want to. Because what if he sees me and decides I'm not a miracle of compliance, just a lying fatty fat fat who doesn't deserve quality of care?

I have never lied to him about my weight. He knows I ain't tiny. But I still feel like I've lied to him by not being visible, and it's horrible. It's a horrible feeling. So yeah, I'm fat. I'm not skinny. I will never BE skinny.

If I say "fat girl takes the train!" and you take that as shame-y, when you don't take "blonde girl goes to Disneyland!" or "big titty girl goes to the mall!" the same way, that's not on me. It can't be.

It's too heavy, and I can't carry it anymore.