Thread: Co-Parenting with an Abuser.

I've been trying to feel ready to post this for ~2 full weeks.

It doesn't apply to me, fortunately. (I co-parent, but that pre-dates the abusive situation I escaped.)

But it's *important* & too many shared stories of it.

So here we go...

I can't understate how difficult it feels to find the right words to communicate this, especially bc it's not my story. I don't have screenshots. I can't reveal anything that could endanger a survivor or their family, or agitate an abuser.

But if you'd read what I've read..

(2)

Survivors who are forced to maintain connection to their abuser, through co-parenting, are carrying years-long burdens most of us know NOTHING about.

It doesn't matter who you are. The level of brokenness of the systems that should be there to help.. they'll grind you down.

(3)

You'll feel defeated.

It's one thing for me to be telling survivors #YouveGotHelp to get out...

But what HELP is there for the people who DO get out -- only to have the family court system ensure they can't actually get *away* from the abuse?

What the f*ck would you do?

(4)

If you ask for help & get NO help, from...

The police (RNC, IPVU, RCMP, whoever)
Family court, and/or the legal system generally
Dept of CSSD (Children, Seniors, Social Development) and/or social workers
Literally any other "authority" you can think of

What then??

(5)

You'll be told to "keep a list" of what the abuser does.

Do you know damaging that is?

You KNOW "the list" is a futile exercise. It feels hopeless to begin with.

But think about trying to *decide* what goes on the list or not: Which things, specifically, do you mark down?

(6)

You're constantly being told there's "nothing" that can be done about certain things. So do you bother to put those things on the list?

You're *already* in court, constantly.

You could *already* make a list longer than Santa's, going back for YEARS, of what they've done.

(7)

You can't speak out *because* things are going through the courts.

You're being told by judges--and probably also family members, social workers, whoever--that YOU are the problem. Vindictive. Difficult.

For trying to keep an abusive person away from you, from your KID.

(8)

Do you know how many loopholes an abuser can, and will, find? They will exploit every inch of every system.

It doesn't matter if they get a new partner, have new kids, whatever. It doesn't matter how much you try to give them whatever they want if they just LEAVE YOU ALONE.

(9)

An abuser is not healthy. So they do not operate like a healthy person.

But just bc they're not healthy--doesn't mean they aren't connected.

It doesn't mean they don't have money, or power, or a reputation as a "good" person.

And even if they don't... they'll keep at it.

(10)

The kids will be used as pawns.

The abuse will not stop.

The court system will be weaponized in any and every possible way they can find.

The abuser will hurl accusations that need to be investigated (even w/no basis).

It's a constant battle. Nothing ever moves fast.

(11)

Survivors who are trying SO HARD to move on with their life, to be a parent and protect their kid/s -- they are being drained, defeated, beaten down, and further traumatized.

Because family court (and all our systems) -- they're NOT EQUIPPED to deal with these situations.

(12)

Abusers who are parents are protected by the system.

And it negatively impacts survivors, but it also negatively impacts the kid/s involved.

What does a "child's best interest" even mean, if it doesn't mean denying an abusive person access to that child?

(13)

This is not *anecdotal.*

It's backed up by evidence. We've known for decades.

"Jaffe (1995) found that men who were abusive or controlling were more likely to fight a mother in court for custody as a means of continuing to dominate or abuse."
- https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/famil/cons/fpt_cons/nfldb-tnb.html

(14)

I'm only pulling info from *one* report, from the Cdn federal gov't, published in 2001.

This bullsh*t is WELL DOCUMENTED elsewhere, too.

"Custody and access disputes often become tools for batterers to further abuse women and children." (1998)

- https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/famil/cons/fpt_cons/nfldb-tnb.html

(15)

What is it going to take?

When will reports & recommendations turn into *implemented changes*?

Do judges in the family court system receive *any* training on this topic? (Honest Q)

I'm not a lawyer or an expert in law, child development, social work, etc.

But I'm angry.

(16)

I can't neatly tie this thread up, or end on a hopeful note.

Bc... you wouldn't either, if you'd heard the stories that I have.

I cannot do these survivors justice.

I can't share the specifics I know.

But today I'm posting about THIS...

Because this needs to STOP.

Period.