There’s a lot to unpack here, but I’ll start simply by saying what the fuck?

First of all, it’s not an “affair,” and it’s not cheating. No one is lying to anyone. Consensual non-monogamy (polyamory) is just that: consensual. Cheating is *non-consensual*

Lemme break it down:

Cheating means you are overstepping a boundary. We establish boundaries early in relationships, but in our society it is unfortunately often unconscious. We fall into a specific relationship paradigm and its associated boundaries as a default pushed by the media.

That default is a monogamous, committed, 1:1 relationship. There is nothing inherently wrong with that.

But have you ever tried to fit a square peg in a round hole? And with 8 billion people in the world do you really think everyone is a square peg re: relationships?

In reality there is no default relationship paradigm. One of those paradigms helps fuel multiple industries, so it’s unsurprising that one is pushed by mainstream media more than any other, but that’s a totally different topic to unpack.

Back to why polyam isn’t cheating:

My partners are all consenting adults. They are aware of my other partners, and if a new person enters my life (or I somehow get the spoons to pursue another romance) then all of my pre-existing partners are made aware, and we talk about it.

The same goes for when my partners develop interest in someone new. They tell me about this new person, and I listen with bated breath

That’s the twist: I feel compersion, not jealousy. I am BEAMING when my partners are happy, and if someone else can do that? Heck yea, do it up!

To clarify in case y’all non-polyam folks don’t know this word, compersion. While not in an official dictionary, it carries tremendous meaning and conveys a feeling not often felt outside of consensual non-monogamy.

From Urban Dictionary:

I recognize that I cannot fulfill all of my partners’ needs. Some folks can, and that’s great.

In these situations I feel compersion because this new person is making my partner happy in a way that I never could. That’s beautiful to me. I couldn’t deny them that happiness.

Now I want to take a second and say, super fast, I do not think polyamory is for everyone. That’s okay! It’s a lifestyle choice. It may not be for you. But for many of us it has been a comfortable and fulfilling way for us to live for many years. You do you, I respect that.

Back on topic: my partners are aware when a new person enters my life. Here’s the hypothetical if I DIDN’T tel them (aka cheating):

I potentially sleep with this new romantic interest, then sleep with my pre-existing partner without informing them. Because no conversation was established with the new lover, I do not know their sexual history and I am potentially putting my partner at risk.

A quick conversation with both parties ensures this isn’t a problem: I tell the new interest that I have a pre-existing partner, they tell me if they are seeing anyone else, and then the convo easily goes to recent STI screenings to ensure the safety of me and my partner at home

One thing that happens frequently with cheating is a lack of conversation. Be it due to discomfort, fear, shame, etc lots of convos about sexual history don’t come up before people hop in bed together.

By establishing a bridge of trust and open communication *early on* in the tryst by discussing relationship boundaries, and inevitably other partners, we’ve opened ourselves up to topics that will protect our health and safety in the long-run.

Ultimately it is not an “affair” and it is not “cheating” because there is no lie told anywhere in any of the exchanges. Cheating requires falsity and broken boundaries, and eventually those shattered expectations lead to heartbreak and angst. Jealousy, fear, etc.

And yes, if you’ve ever told even a “little white lie” to your partner then you cheated on them. You’ve broken a boundary, albeit an often assumed one: honesty.

Sadly it seems every portrayal of polyamorous relationships in the media focus on sex, and rarely show these polyamorous relationships ending in anything other than heartbreak. Remember how I said there’s a media bias for relationship defaults?

One last bit before I log off: you can cheat in polyamory. You can absolutely bulldoze those boundaries and shit on your partners’ trust. Don’t. It’s never worth it, no matter your relationship paradigm. Just have a goddamn conversation and most importantly

LISTEN

I want to say so much more since Twitter is not an easy place to do justice to meaningful topics, but I had to say something because I am fucking tired of this same old rhetoric being thrown in my face, and the faces of my friends and family.