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I had so many control issues in the past that stemmed from a lack of control growing up. I used to be so defensive when people called me on it too. Even when my interpersonal relationships ended I found myself being petty, spiteful, vengeful, etc. which are all control tactics.
(Yes, constantly throwing negative energy at people because you no longer like them/have them in your life is an attempt to control them.)
The only way I changed was developing an understanding that I have no desire to be controlled and therefore have to match that energy. In addition to this, I had to recognize that I am not entitled to people. Period. Healing those abandonment wounds helped too.
You are not entitled to people. Their time, their energy, their devotion, them sacrificing needs, etc. internalizing this is a major key. Everyone, like you, is on their own journey. Stop trying to control people. Let that fear of instability go.
