I’ve always been a fighter. I’ve fought through fear and anger and sadness and loss. I’ve fought for love. I’ve fought and fought and I’ve won.

With the fire that was outside put out, I noticed the fire I never realized was consuming me the entire time.

The fire inside me

And it burns. Hotter than those tears spilled as a teenager. It stings more than words that broke me away from the place and people I once loved.

How is it that I could rage battle against all that but the day to day breaks me? Leaves me breathless?

How is it that I am more tired by this than I was when it literally felt like the whole world was against me?

When my problems were outside me, I fought with my entire being.

What do I do now that my entire being is what I have to fight?

It was easier when my enemy wasn’t me. When I believed I was ally.

Now I watch myself tear Me down every day over the most insignificant things.

I feel my worth shrink because I do no more than keeping my family alive.

That I do all I can but I never, even for a second, feel that it’s enough. Because I KNOW I can do more. I KNOW. But still, I don’t. I try to fight against [it][me]. And fail everyday.

I’m sick, absolutely SICK of hearing myself telling myself I’ll do better tomorrow. I’m disgusted by myself every time I give my little family less than what they deserve. I am repulsed by my voice making excuses for things I should have done but didn’t ..

I’m blessed to have someone who understand and overlooks my multitude of shortcomings Alhamdulil’lah . And because of that I am revolted by everything that I could for him too do but do not.

Because WHY?! WHY can’t I do it?!

I don’t know. Just know I did not do enough.

I’m not one to lose hope amid a war. But you can’t win all the battles. and I’ve become weary of losing to myself everyday.

They deserve better. He deserves better. They all do.

And though I am tired of not being enough, at least I am something... and that’s what keeps me standing in battle.

I’d rather they live with some needs fulfilled than none at all. So I’ll fight.. everyday, forever. Till the angel of death comes for me.