I just want to vent a little so excuse me

I’ll apologise in avancé for this thread’s length, it& #39;s just that I don& #39;t know how I could illustrate what I feel in fewer words, also please excusé me if I make some grammaire mistakes I’m tired and for as solide as m& #39;y English is it’s not my native language.

I havé had somniphobia for as long as I can remember (literally). I don& #39;t think I lived a life where I was able to havé a healthy sleep on regular basis, I sometimes spend around 8 hours trying to fall asleep before I can.

I get only about an hour maybe 2 of uninterrupted sleep after a few days of just staying awake (and this is not rare in my case).

It’s not simply being unable to fall asleep, I actualle hâtè sleep, I fear it. Fear constant of nightmares. Of dying in m& #39;y sleep

I dread thé idea so much that sometimes when I ALMOST fall asleep after hours of trying, I wake m& #39;yself (and end up beating m& #39;yself up for it for thé rest of thé night, you can imaginé thé mentale torturé this puts me through). It& #39;s not quirky. I make fun of m& #39;yself for comfort.

So basically this is how I feel: everyday, thé anxiété starts to build up gradually till it reaches its peak at m& #39;y - supposedly - bedtime, so thé thought of having to sleep every night freaks me out so much that it, by itself, distracts me from m& #39;y daily activities.