Okay. Here it is. My tale of "The Worst Poo I Ever Did (A True Story)"

It's fairly long. Stick with me here.

Summer 2018 and I'm taking cocodamol regularly for an injury, alongside prescribed iron tablets. I hadn't baked a loaf in a few days but that's not uncommon for me sometimes, depending on what I'm eating or how active I am.

5 days pass, then 7, 8, 9, 10. I'm getting a bit concerned because my appetite has been good and there's been some bulk go through me. I buy some emergency Laxido online.

If you've never used this stuff before, it's like rocket fuel. An anal hallelujah when you're a bit blocked up. One sachet and you have to be careful that you don't shit your lungs out. It's THAT good.

Anyway, the medicine comes and I'm starting to feel REALLY uncomfortable and the farts, oh god the farts, were on another level. Hot enough to melt through steel beams, unlike jet fuel, and smelt like the cheese in between a week old corpses toes.

I mix the Laxido powder in water and down it. I'm excited to make some underwater sculptures after nearly 2 weeks. I pace around for a bit before I start to feel the peristalsis start to happen.

I settle down to punish the porcelain. Joggers around my ankles. I cannot park bark without having my trousers around my ankles. The farts have started as my intestines are dancing a merry ejaculation dance. I'm sure the force of them is causing the water in the bowl to ripple.

I line up the bathroom bin as my poop stool. What, you shit with your feet on the floor? Do you *know* how bad that is for you? You should be in a squat position to curl one it. It's healthier for your bowel and more natural. That's your education today.

I'm pushing a little bit and thinking "this is odd" because it usually cascades beautifully from my rear end with this medicine, but nothing. Oh wait! One small nuggets enters the stage, bobbing up and down on the water. "Is that it?", I think.

I'm vibrating internally and wonder if it could do with a helping hand with a push against the skin in front of your bumhole. Then I realise. This is not a normal poo. Not normal. at. all.

I am feeling around my anoos and the skin is BULGING. I'm thinking this is what a babies crowning head must feel like. I realise I'm in trouble. This thing is HUGE.

I'm thinking I can maybe push the sides down, make it narrower? Nah, this thing is solid like a god damn bowling ball. I'm prodding from the outside from all angles and there is no way it's slimming down like celebrities getting ready to do a fitness DVD.

I'm maybe 25 minutes in and nothing has moved. My intestines are in turmoil and I'm staring to sweat. And I mean really sweat. My clothes are drenched. If it was a baby, I'd have had my perineum sliced by now. I'm wondering if I can do the same thing to my sphincter?

I'm naked and shivering and sweating like Saville in a mortuary. I'm going to have to go in with my fingers. Nurses do it, it can't be that hard? Nope, I cannot penetrate the shell of this boulder. My anus is quivering and the pain is making me delirious. I'm in the shower.

35 minutes and this is the point at which I seriously considered calling 999. It was the only thing I could think to do. I didn't want to die in my bathroom like Elvis over a turd. Can I call them? Should I call them? I've got to get this fucking thing out. I'm desperate.

My right leg has started to shake, this massive butt shuttle is pressing on a bastard nerve or something and is making it difficult to push while sitting. How much worse is this going to get?

I'm baring down from every angle sitting down, standing up, squatting on the floor, bent forward, bent backward, bum against the wall (no idea why I did that one but I did it). I did not care if I shit on the floor at this point. I'm sure I can see angels calling me to heaven.

45 minutes and I praying for the sweet caress of death. There is nothing left for me here. I can't go on. I think about calling 999 and I am BAWLING my eyes out at this point because I just don't know what to do.

I'm waddling around the bathroom, still trying to push; in and out of the shower, I can't remember what my name is or what day it is. I'm almost at the 55 minute mark.

I sit on the toilet bend forward, hug my knees and pray to something, anyone, Baby Jesus, Santa, David Beckham, I don't know. I push and suddenly the ENTIRE world blows out of my asshole followed by a Niagara Falls of blood. The relief is immediate.

The peristalsis, the pain, the sickness, the sweating, the shaky leg, all gone. Followed by a lightening bolt headache. I feel like I've looked death in the face for 55 fucking minutes and won.

My anus is in shreds, it's so torn up back there I have to wait for the blood flow to stop. I'm scared to look in the bowl.

I look. You guys, it looks like a horror show.

It's so black, so round and so shiny and smooth. You can tell how much it has compacted. This thing isn't going to flush by itself. I don't know what else to do apart from use. my. fingers. as. scissors. I cut that doodoo up and it was dry as a husk and SO dense.

Horrifying scenes of me lurched over the toilet cutting up my butt burrito for easy flushing. I feel dirty and, genuinely, traumatised.

After liberating my cut up brown trouts, I shower, cry a bunch, and thank David Beckham for giving me the strength for that final push.

The moral of this story is don't mix codeine and iron tablets if you respect your botbot. If you do have to mix, get the stool softeners in early. I don't want you to feel the trauma I did.

Thanks for listening.

And *send*

If you think I'm funny and feel bad for my battyhole, pls consider buying me a "kofi". As a freelance stage manager, I've had minimal help throughout the pandemic. My industry closed down 1st and will open up last. I'll show you my tits and fanny and that. https://ko-fi.com/the_ambassador_