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So I finally rewatched the car scene enough times to begin to gather my thoughts on quite possibly my favorite eo moment yet...
It keeps hitting me how just how much Elliot needed to hear that someone in his life still cared about him... the only people who really know him are those he has the most tumultuous relationships right now.
His kids are dealing with their grief and Eli and Kathleen especially seem like they are beginning to hold some hostility towards him on the matter of Kathy& #39;s death. He has to take care of them and make sure they& #39;re okay, so who does he have to make sure he& #39;s okay?
Throughout their entire interaction in this scene, it& #39;s more noticeable that Elliot is on the verge of breaking down. He’s constantly playing with his hands, avoiding her eye contact and trying not to cover up the tears in his eyes. She sees this. She knows he’s hurting.
The whole time he’s hoping she drops it, or changes the conversation, and he tries to get her to by dismissing her concerns over him having developed PTSD. He’s hoping he’s discouraged her but she knows him better than to have expected any other reaction.
She’d expected the response he& #39;d given her. It stings, but she knows he’s unaware why she is so certain he has it. The pain in her eyes is not because he’s succeeding to throw her off with his words, but because he’s refusing to acknowledge that he’s struggling. Again.
She realizes that he’s never learned to deal with his emotions. That if anything, his inability to address his issues has worsened in the time they’ve spent apart. He still thinks talking about them is a weakness… but for reasons unknown to him, Olivia knows this arena well.
She knows that he is refusing to acknowledge the toll the trauma is taking on him. She’s tried that before. So she doesn’t give up. Instead, she changes tactics, addressing it in a way where her care for him shines above any other words she is trying to get through to him.
She needs him to hear her. The honesty in her words and the way she& #39;s persisted, coupled with him actually looking into her eyes is what does it to him. Her eyes are staring at him with so much love and compassion that he knows he doesn& #39;t deserve from her.
She’s his source of warmth, the only one at the moment. Hearing Olivia, the person that he knows he’s wronged the most, express a level of worry he never thought he& #39;d hold again within her, one that could come with a place really does shock him.
It grants him the anchor he hadn& #39;t even know he& #39;d been searching for until that moment. He wasn& #39;t sure if his relationships with others that he& #39;d stretched thin could be mended, but this one moment with Olivia reassures him that while it will take time, there is hope.
Olivia not only grounds him, but she also provides him with a hope for a future that he can& #39;t see right now. So when he says "Liv, you mean the world to me," he knows it& #39;s the most honest he& #39;s ever been not only with her, but also with himself.
In that moment he realizes that she means everything to him. He can’t deny it. He realizes he won’t survive losing her (a second time). He needs to keep her safe. He needs to shut the door on every possibility of that happening.
She’s a mom now, she’s a captain. He can’t lose her and neither can the other people in her life. He doesn’t know what he would do if she or Noah got hurt in all this. He couldn’t do that to them. Not after all the pain he’d already caused her.
He can’t just knowingly drag her into the mess that is now his life. He’s going to have to do this alone. This isn’t like before. They aren’t partners anymore. It occurs to him that work no longer binds them together. Their connection is entirely personal now.
