I just picked up a book and the Director-General of the BBC popped up from behind the sofa & slapped it out of my hand.

Normal people: "Oh it's sad about Prince Phillip isn't it?"
The BBC: "WATCH 13 HOURS OF NOTHING BUT HIS WIKIPEDIA PAGE THAT WE'VE TELEVISED & SOME VAGUE ANECDOTES FROM PEOPLE WHO MET HIM ONCE, YOU UNPATRIOTIC CUNTS!"

I just turned the TV off to go to bed and the BBC's Head of News called to say if I didn't immediately turn it back on they'd hurt my family.

*Knock at the door*
-"Hello?"
-"TV license inspectors!"
-"I've got a TV license?"
-"Yes, but our records indicate you only watched 8hrs of TV about Prince Phillip last night, AND you're not wearing black."