extremely positive update: i am safe here for sure. i've talked to every family member i've needed to n addressed to each other what we needed. i will not be getting kicked out. i also will not be smoking weed of my own choice for an undetermined period of time and def not while

i have to stay on the kind of ssris im on. i am breaking out of a nearly lifelong state of neurosis right now and have been getting to that point for the past month or so. i did a very irresponsible speedrun strategy on my own neurosis and it worked but i would not reccomend

anyone ever do that because i also had real brushes with losing my sense of reality completely. i also was likely sexually abused but *probably* never assaulted in THAT way and if i was it was *probably* not by a family member and *probably* unsurpsisingly by the catholic church

and if so then my brain nearly completely repressed it for a reason and unless something comes up on its own im gonna leave it that way. i was somewhat groomed but i can now say for sure it was never actually intentional and the person responsible feels very real remorse & does

not want to ever cause that kind of pain to anyone else and never did in the first place. idk if i can truly forgive this person but i do understand. extremely long story short my family situation is extremely complicated and they were actually very overprotective in different

ways and due to legit maniplulation gaslighting abuse on top of my neurodivergency trauma n generally odd way of storing memory heavy displacement jumbling blending mixing and even *POSSIBLY there really is not saying for sure rn* implantation occured. my entire life story has

been legit untangled and makes sense and i can now trust and love others around me truly and be trusted and be loved. i have deeply engrained habits that will take longer to deal with but the end of this neurosis is in sight. i'm okay. more than okay i feel better than i have

since i was a child. maybe not in the religious sense but i do feel like when my ego died i was finally able to be "reborn" in a way. thanks everyone so much for listening to me and being there supporting me and believing me and believing IN me sorry for the big scare & other

irresponsible and irrational things i did while my brain was learning how to make connections again n was overmaking them in ways that didnt fit chronologically or logically completely

deleting the very last apology part of this thread because i realized i do not need to apologize for not fitting the exact survivor stereotype or commonly generalized experience