Buckle up friends; it's thread time. CW: Mental illness

Recently I was diagnosed, officially, with ADHD. I placed high on the inattentive spectrum, and low on the hyperactivity side of things.

In my teens, it was "You could so much if only you "applied" yourself, & stopped being "lazy." I skipped college because I was scared that I was too lazy and absent-minded to do well. I also acted out a lot in my teens, not really knowing why, but it was chalked up to teen angst.

I know I was mad at myself a lot during those years, and that internal anger ebbed and flowed. More some years, fewer others. It really depended on what type of chaos I had created in my life to distract myself from myself.

In my early 20's, on a whim, I moved to Denver.

I lived out there for a year, met my now ex-wife, and she and I moved back to my hometown. We moved back and forth between home and Colorado over the next several years until we finally settled on living in my hometown. Shortly after that, we got divorced.

During this time, I landed my first "real" job. At the age of 24, I became a Zoning Administrator for Dickinson County, Ks. I had no idea what I was doing, but I was already working for the county in the County Appraiser's (Assessor in some parts of the country) office.

This was almost a perfect job for me. Almost. Lots and Lots of nitty details I could dig into and remember at the drop of a hat? PERFECT - Keeping track of paperwork, remembering when meetings and appointments were, huge projects that required dedicated focus? Not. At. All.

I adjusted how many things were done in the office, in what I thought were clever attempts at "being lazy" but now I see were my own methods of compensation for my ADHD. Moving to an all Digital office, having people sign up for appointments online, etc.

I became a part of the State Zoning organization. I started working to change things to be "easier for the public, and the Zoning professionals" mainly so that my methods weren't out of place in a little rural county. They caught on.

Eventually, I became part of a State legislative committee as the "State of Kansas County Planning and Zoning representative." Keep in mind, this may sound like an achievement, but I didn't see it that way. I saw myself as a fraud. I was lazy and absent-minded after all.

Never did I believe that any of this was achieved through my own hard work. "They're going to know I'm a fraud. Any day now. They all know I don't have a degree in Planning or a degree at all for that matter, and sooner or later, they'll figure out I'm a fraud, and I'm clueless."

Even in 2016, when Krista and I moved to a new County, and I got the same job, at a bigger county doing the same thing, I kept telling myself that.

The mental gymnastics to reach that type of conclusion are Olympic level, looking back on it under this new lense.

To obtain the position of a "zoning administrator," I had to be voted into the position by the governing body of each County. I was voted into the position of "President" of the State Zoning organization. I was voted into the legislative committee position.

None of that mattered. I was a fraud, and they'd figured it out sooner or later. I left that career in October of 2020.

While dealing with the public was becoming an increasingly terrible thing, fear of the inevitable failure I was going to become was also a driving factor.

I left, and for the most part, I'm happy I did. I loved what I did, but I couldn't work with the public anymore. While I did everything I could to make their, and my, lives easier in regards to zoning, there's a certain generation out there that has explosive entitlement issues.

How am I discovering ways in which my ADHD affects me?

I have trouble starting projects. I see the ENTIRE project in my head, and it overwhelms me. I have to plan the project from start to finish and try to plan for any contingency. Did something change on the fly? Start over.

While this was perfect for being a planning and zoning official, it is hell on everything else. I drop projects ALL THE TIME for Tabletop Loot because I simply lose track of them. I've now learned that if it's not DIRECTLY in front of me, I'll forget about it.

Not "oh, oopsie!" forget about it, but "HOLY CRAP THAT EXISTED?!?!"

I never made "reminder notes" because they were useless to me. Not that they're actually useless, but because "I'm just absent-minded and haven't applied myself enough. If I cared enough, I'd remember."

I also never understood how, nor was I able, to "take a project and break it into smaller bits" because...THE PROJECT IS NOT A SMALL THING, KAREN. IT'S A HUGE AND ALL-ENCOMPASSING MONSTER. HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT?!?!

Some of this may seem very obvious to you, but not to me.

My entire pre-teen, teen, and adult life, I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Why I can't do these seemly simple things. I can remember entire law books relating to planning and zoning, but I can't remember to take my meds unless they LITERALLY INFRONT OF ME.

I can't remember appointments, I can't remember where I put my car keys unless I have a designated spot for them, and then I get super flustered when they're not there. If my daily routine is broken, so am I. I have to PLAN to NOT HAVE A PLAN when going on vacation.

I'm still figuring out all the ways ADHD affects me, but simply KNOWING it's not "me" and that I'm not just "Lazy and Absent minded" has been... life-changing. Looking back at past decisions, and using an ADHD lens, makes so many of those decisions make much more sense.

I'm not saying that suddenly discovering I have ADHD excuses any of my past decisions but had I known I had ADHD, maybe I would have also had the tools to make better decisions.

The past is what it is; I'll dwell on it and analyze decisions until something shiny comes along.

Why now? Why share this here? Because it's you all that helped me figure this out. Reading about folks who talk about their ADHD symptoms and recognizing SO MANY of them in myself, led me to reach out to a therapist. It led me to seek help. You. You all led me to seek help.

So I'm sharing this entire story, both to get it out of my head and in the hopes that maybe someone will see it and get the help they might need.

I'm sorry if we've had projects lined up for TTL, and I've flaked on them. I really didn't mean to. I'll do better in the future.

I've begun adjusting by relying on google calendar & sticky notes, & I've begun to forgive myself for needing these tools.

I'm not lazy or absent-minded; I'm neurodiverse & adjusting.

Thanks for coming along with me on this thread. You're awesome and amazing, & I love you all.