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That’s Me in the Corner: Walking In Satan’s Shoes
A thread
https://mark4libertas.wordpress.com/2021/04/09/thats-me-in-the-corner-walking-in-satans-shoes/
A thread
https://mark4libertas.wordpress.com/2021/04/09/thats-me-in-the-corner-walking-in-satans-shoes/
It started with a video.
Then the reports rolled in with a flood of information about a limited series (666 pair to be exact) of human blood-infused "Satan Shoes" complete with the upside down star on the laces.
Then the reports rolled in with a flood of information about a limited series (666 pair to be exact) of human blood-infused "Satan Shoes" complete with the upside down star on the laces.
Suddenly, the torrent of the evangelical community rage was aimed at a gay, black, rapper going by the moniker, Lil Nas X. How dare this be called "entertainment"? How dare he insult our faith?
Doing some background research I discovered that the song was the culmination of festering anger from painful experiences with church people.
We carelessly hurt him.
We expected him to humbly endure the judgmental shame we've heaped on him.
We carelessly hurt him.
We expected him to humbly endure the judgmental shame we've heaped on him.
We tend to forget how human beings work sometimes.
I say, "we", because I know that earlier in my ministry I railed against who he is as well. I consigned his type to eternal torment in hell with my words. I didn't have to know anything about him, just that he participated in a condemned activity.
If we were going to win our culture, we had to forcefully oppose people like him with various laws and pulpit rhetoric.
I was part of the church community that has vociferously attacked the LGBTQ+ community with vicious arrogance. I was "born again" into this way of thinking putting victory over all perceived "enemies" as the climax of kingdom endeavors.
I didn't realize at the time that the culture war wasn't aimed at winning souls, it was instead aimed at controlling unacceptable behavior through law under the force and violence of government.
I take a moment today to apologize for my role in that malicious mob.
I take a moment today to apologize for my role in that malicious mob.
I was never the sort that sought to drive the LGBTQ+ folks out of existence. No, not at all. I had good intentions. I didn't want two things to happen.
First, I didn't want to see people I knew and loved suffer eternal torment. Second, I didn't want to see churches forced to acknowledge definitions of marriage that many of them opposed.
I was ok with governments doing so, just didn't want to see the churches dragged into that change.
I was wrong to use the force of government and the power of the pulpit in this way and I'm emphatically sorry.
I was walking in Satan's shoes.
I was wrong to use the force of government and the power of the pulpit in this way and I'm emphatically sorry.
I was walking in Satan's shoes.
In Revelation 12:10 we see that Satan is the accuser. I was walking in his shoes when my ministry was known more for accusation than healing.
While I've never officially purchased a pair of those shoes or participated in any form of Satan worship, I've definitely spent a lot of time walking defiantly in his shoes, doing his kingdom's work rather than Christ's.
I walk bearing the formidable weight of being unable to change what I've done. I can only move forward with a commitment to help those maligned by the church in similar manner.
Before I lose you, I taught what I believed was biblical truth. But my truth lacked grace. I tried to be the Holy Spirit.
My good intentions led to a lot of unintentional pain. I can and will be better.
My good intentions led to a lot of unintentional pain. I can and will be better.
You see, in the background for me was my incident ( https://mark4libertas.wordpress.com/2021/03/05/thats-me-in-the-corner-source-of-my-anxiety/) as a youngster. My appeals on this issue were pleas from my own soul trying to eliminate the internal struggle I was enduring.
It wouldn't go away.
It couldn't go away.
It wouldn't go away.
It couldn't go away.
Delving into this trauma, I struggled to feel acceptance.
Now, lack of such never led me to hock Satan's shoes, but it definitely led me to do way too much of his will.
Now, lack of such never led me to hock Satan's shoes, but it definitely led me to do way too much of his will.
Fortunately, I had two men in my life at that juncture who were pivotal in whom I've become as an adult: Jim Agee and Kevin Reese.
Jim Agee was the Youth Pastor. He led with a servant's heart. He was odd but awesome. I still remember the mission trip we took to Houston, Texas doing inner-city ministry. Seeing such prevalent need and pain had deep resonance with me that lingers still.
That and the wet underwear.
We had to shower in community showers. Because of what had happened to me I was too ashamed to shower in the buff, so I left my underwear on. This was my single most embarrassing and disturbing experience in church life. My dirty clothes bag wreaked by the time we got home.
I made certain to wash my clothes quickly in order to avoid pressing questions from my parents. I was too ashamed to tell them what happened to me so many years ago.
The other guy was Kevin Reese who was the Music Leader/Worship Pastor. He put together a youth singing ensemble named "Steadfast" that went on two gospel-singing tours. He was the first gospel "minister" that I got to know, warts and all.
His sincerity was so meaningful to someone struggling with the issues I faced.
These two men gave me the gift of acceptance.
These two men gave me the gift of acceptance.
Knowing my past and my raging war with porn, it was so meaningful to have men in my life who exemplified something to strive for that was genuine. I've thanked God for the both of them frequently over the years.
During this time a torrential storm was blowing against the bow of my walk with Christ. It was shaping into a monster storm that would batter me for so many years.
Sex.
Sex.
I had an insatiable desire for it even though I had never actually enjoyed such with a female. It was like I thought that doing it, even just once, would blot out the sticky stain in my brain from my past.
I was wrong.
I was wrong.
We'll just say for now that the "True Love Waits" campaign at church was a stinging reminder of what happened to me as a little boy.
My purity was gone. Stolen. Wretched from my grip. Then IT happened.
Prom night sex with a girl I didn't know.
My purity was gone. Stolen. Wretched from my grip. Then IT happened.
Prom night sex with a girl I didn't know.
I was trying to scratch the unreasonable and overwhelming itch in my mind that resisted healing.
The onslaught of guilt and shame was more than I could handle. How could I feel more guilty and ashamed than I was already feeling? The multiplication of my miserable state left me swaying to the point of tipping on the dangerously wavy sea of faith.
God couldn't use me now for sure.
I'm just wasting everyone's time.
I'm a waste of time and humanity.
I'm just wasting everyone's time.
I'm a waste of time and humanity.
Over the next few months I sank into a dangerous place. Women were objects, no more, no less. My need for gratification dominated me during that summer. I was aimless, like a rudderless ship with no land in sight.
I left for college.
I left for college.
I wasn't a party-goer so I guess I was lucky to miss that scene in my messed-up state. Toward the end of my first semester I met another broken person who married me a couple of years later. I can't wait to tell that part of my story.
We've been a couple for 27 years and will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in October.
We righted each other's ships.
I'm thankful to have her in my life and I let God know it every day.
I needed healing.
We righted each other's ships.
I'm thankful to have her in my life and I let God know it every day.
I needed healing.
It took some time in our relationship for me to stop objectifying my eventual wife as well. I mean, sure, she is still THE object of my sexual desires, but she is so much more than just an object. She always was but in my state I didn't get that in our beginning.
I had to grow into that appreciation that has more fully developed as I have healed.
“"That's me in the corner
That's me in the spot-light
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it"” – -R.E.M. Losing My Religion
But back to Lil Nas X.
“"That's me in the corner
That's me in the spot-light
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it"” – -R.E.M. Losing My Religion
But back to Lil Nas X.
What would I say to him if he could see past his hurt and anger?
I'm sorry that the actions of those of us in the church have left you feeling more acceptance outside than in.
I'm sorry that the actions of those of us in the church have left you feeling more acceptance outside than in.
I understand the agony that accompanies the sense of God's rejection and the sting of holy accusation in places you felt should be safe for the sinner.
But I would ask that you don't give up on all that God is because of the worst you've found among those claiming to be His people.
He uniquely understands you.
He intimately cares about your pain.
He uniquely understands you.
He intimately cares about your pain.
In Christ, He showed that He had waning patience and damning criticism for those in the religious crowd that castigated people like you and made you the outcast.
In Christ, all your pain can be taken away and you can find healing.
In Christ, all your pain can be taken away and you can find healing.
When you see His people you see an imperfect reflection of Him and sometimes you're only seeing perfect imposters.
Posers.
Posers.
People looking to gain a god that hates the same people they hate and approves of only the things in which they participate. Their god looks and acts just like them.
Idolaters.
Don't let them steal your shot at hope and joy.
Idolaters.
Don't let them steal your shot at hope and joy.
Those can belong to you in Christ if you'll have Him.
I speak as someone healed and still healing.
Our journeys are different. Don't let the way some have judged where you are and have been on your journey knock you off course from getting to an amazing destination.
I speak as someone healed and still healing.
Our journeys are different. Don't let the way some have judged where you are and have been on your journey knock you off course from getting to an amazing destination.
The same goes to everyone reading this post.
Don't let someone's vicious criticism, even if justified, keep you from the journey God made just for you. You are the only one in all of creation who can fulfill that quest.
Don't let someone's vicious criticism, even if justified, keep you from the journey God made just for you. You are the only one in all of creation who can fulfill that quest.
And for those who choose to join the chorus of judgmental glances and gossipy whispers, please in the name of Christ stop!
Rather than engage in habits that are destructive to others, invest that time in encouraging and strengthening those you meet, regardless of where you happen to find them on their journey.
“"How blessed is the man who does not ... sit in the seat of scoffers!"” – Psalm 1:1 NASB95
Grace and peace!
If you liked this post, you just might enjoy my book, What He Said: Living the Sermon on the Mount, Transforming American Culture. ( http://www.markwest-author.com )
Grace and peace!
If you liked this post, you just might enjoy my book, What He Said: Living the Sermon on the Mount, Transforming American Culture. ( http://www.markwest-author.com )
If you want to follow my journey, you can read each of the previous posts below:
Part 1 - That's Me in the Corner: Sharing My Journey ( https://mark4libertas.wordpress.com/2021/02/27/thats-me-in-the-corner-sharing-my-journey/)
Part 2 - That's Me in the Corner: Source of My Anxiety ( https://mark4libertas.wordpress.com/2021/03/05/thats-me-in-the-corner-source-of-my-anxiety/)
Part 1 - That's Me in the Corner: Sharing My Journey ( https://mark4libertas.wordpress.com/2021/02/27/thats-me-in-the-corner-sharing-my-journey/)
Part 2 - That's Me in the Corner: Source of My Anxiety ( https://mark4libertas.wordpress.com/2021/03/05/thats-me-in-the-corner-source-of-my-anxiety/)
Part 3 - That's Me in the Corner: Power in Vulnerability ( https://mark4libertas.wordpress.com/2021/03/12/thats-me-in-the-corner-power-in-vulnerability/)
Part 4 - That's Me in the Corner: Sex Turns Fatal When the Tail Wags the Dog ( https://mark4libertas.wordpress.com/2021/03/26/thats-me-in-the-corner-sex-turns-fatal-when-the-tail-wags-the-dog/)
Part 5 - That's Me in the Corner: My Final Baptism ( https://mark4libertas.wordpress.com/2021/04/02/thats-me-in-the-corner-my-final-baptism/)
Part 4 - That's Me in the Corner: Sex Turns Fatal When the Tail Wags the Dog ( https://mark4libertas.wordpress.com/2021/03/26/thats-me-in-the-corner-sex-turns-fatal-when-the-tail-wags-the-dog/)
Part 5 - That's Me in the Corner: My Final Baptism ( https://mark4libertas.wordpress.com/2021/04/02/thats-me-in-the-corner-my-final-baptism/)
This thread can be read here: https://mark4libertas.wordpress.com/2021/04/09/thats-me-in-the-corner-walking-in-satans-shoes/
