I’ve been lying to you all I’m actually a cishet white man who is 6’3 with a wife two perfect children and millions to my name but it’s tied up in a trust fund till I’m 35 so I work at my dad’s accounting firm as Project Manager and oversee 15 houses and their tenants

It’s a pretty sweet life not gonna lie but it’s been a bit of a drag having my fave Chinese restaurant close during Lev 3 and also wifey and I were gonna go on a winery tour in the south of France last year but we had to settle for Queenstown instead AND we had to take the kids

My name is Brent. Trent? Brad. Sorry it’s Michael

My darling wife Angela is very close to her mum Trish who is a part time yoga teacher. Trish is amazing, she was a teen single mum at 17 but built herself from the GROUND UP and by the time she was 40 she had opened and sold two successful candle and bath product businesses

My kids are Charlotte (7) and Cam (5, short for Cameron, actually his full name is James Cameron but we call him by his middle name). Last week Cam’s new school teacher said he poked a kid with a colouring pencil during Creative Expressions class. The kid was Indian or something

Not that there’s anything wrong with being Indian! I love curry and I love yoga just like my dear MIL Trish. We’re very close. Anyway this ratbag kid Krishna, I’m sure he did SOMETHING for Cam to act out like that. Cam is a very vivacious little boy. He also has smelly feet

But that’s neither here nor there. Cam is also freakishly strong for a 5 year old. Very powerful jaw pressure, ha ha ha! I’m sure he’ll grow out of it. We’re gonna start him at Little Tykes MMA next month when he’s finished toilet training.

Charlotte is my princess and the third most important female in my life after Trish and Angela. Just kidding, she is my number 1 gal. She loves baby animals, excels at ballet, and draws all the time. Like all the time. Never stops. It’s kinda unnerving actually