Thread by @vilvidus, maybe you cant tell from how i drink 18l of pepsi every [...]

maybe you cant tell from how i drink 18l of pepsi every week and am well on my way to fail school but i have kinda given up on having a future at all, as in, when i think forward i cant imagine myself actually being there; as in, my subconscious thinks i& #39;ll be dead by then

the only "positive" thing that has happened to me this week is probably my dad wanting to buy me alcohol for the weekend - guess we& #39;ll have some sadder times yet

i have that problem where whenever i think about anything positive it just makes me sadder cause its always out of my reach

"i could go swim" no you cant
"i could spend time with my friends" they dont want to
"i could talk to my mom" you cant
"i could sing" your voice
"i could laugh" your voice
"i could buy new clothes" your body
"i could draw that character" fuckoff

"i could watch a funny youtuber" youll never be as happy as them
"i could make a joke" no one understands you
"i could talk about an interest" no one cares
"i could share something cool i found out" to whom / everyone already knows, youre slow

"i could sew" you already look ridiculous
"i could write" cringe
"i could go on vacation" you never will
"i could watch something cool" you have red

have you ever driven a sharpened pencil into your skin because you wanted to see how long it would take to bleed? because i have, and i wasnt even sad or anything the times i did it. i just didnt have anything better to do, and wanted to test my pain tolerance -

obviously it worries my parents, but not enough to actually try to help me in any way
even my psychiatrist said "you seem fine, we dont need to talk anymore" like okay thanks lol

ive never been one for attention, as a kid i could never imagine myself stating that i was sick, later i could never say that i "felt" anything, then i couldnt say i "liked" anything, and now i cant express admiration for anything

i know much more about things than i seem but i dont want to let anyone know that i do because my brain keeps telling me its a weakness, something to keep secret

i feel like im two seperate people at the same time, one thinking and feeling, and one controlling and reasoning - i think those were the ones quoted higher up in this thread

why am i even still here its not like im participating or helping in any way at all

its like i dont have anything to live for but i WANT something to live for, i have hope but not

one of my biggest interests now comes from sinister things (like describing suicide in my old textbooks, but to not alarm people i made my own languages to hide it in plain sight because like i said i didnt want attention)

i only have basic art skills because my mom is an artist, i love music but have 0 talent, i thought i was good at acting but according to my dm im terrible at acting like my character, and according to my friends i have awful speech skills, and -

according to myself i slur my speech and lisp too much and i hate it so much

only reason im in most of the fandoms im in is because im desperately trying to fit in with my friends to have something to talk about but ive realized that, its not that we didnt have anything to talk about, its just that you dont want to

i never know if involving myself in others interests is good or bad, too much or irrelevant, nice or weird, but i keep putting myself in a position where someone mentions something and i keep talking about it without a response

i should stop sharing what i like, i should stop talking about things, i should just stoo everything,
because to continue means showing how much of an idiot i am and ive had so much hate toward my intelligence already i cant take any more

i know im not the best or kindest person, but i really wish i was, maybe then people would like having me around lol

conclusion: im sad haha

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