I’m writing this bc earlier saw a tweet & it wrecked me. I had a knee-jerk reaction & tweeted something I regret and ppl saw. And maybe that person saw.

And now there’s anger in my DMs & I feel sick & I don’t know what to do except try to explain. 1/

I’m so sorry. Bc it’s not their fault. It’s mine. This is not a thread to attack them. The tweet wasn’t directed at me. They had every right to say what they did. They aren’t wrong. 2/

But that’s the danger of twitter. Seeing the worst of yourself thru other ppl’s eyes. They said ppl who aren’t social justice warriors are antisocial injustice cowards. I read that & threw up. It hit so hard the room went dizzy. I’m still crying. 3/

Bc it was truth & it came from someone I admire. So very much.

And this is not a subtweet to attack that person. They are truly one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. So kind & genuine. Conquering life & saving the world. 4/

And I feel guilty for not being like them. There’s so many accts I should follow but I don’t bc I’m a coward. And broken. There’s so much anger in those accts & I can’t handle it. I feel it. Every bit of it. The stress is too much. 5/

I can’t live up to the advocacy standards in the community. Everyone else is a social justice warrior. Brave & strong. There’s no place for weak ppl like me. The ones who struggle to find a reason to get up every day. What good do I even contribute? Nothing. 6/

I don’t have the strength to take on the world & I feel sick in that. Worthless. Ashamed. The guilt of being a useless human being is destroying me. That’s why that tweet gutted me. Someone I admire said exactly how they feel about ppl like me.

They feel disgust. 7/

And I don’t disagree w them. They aren’t wrong. The guilt I feel at just existing when so many have it so much worse. It all makes me scream & rage & cry. But a useless voice is a hypocrite. 8/

Bc it’s what you do that matters. But how do you show up at protests when you’re afraid of the world? When terror & anxiety hold you hostage. When your own life is wrecked. I fell & banged my head today bc I can't even eat right & all I could do is cry. 9/

It feels so unfair to hold broken ppl to standards they can’t possibly meet. Ableist and cruel. But isn’t that just self-pity? When the most powerful advocates think you’re a bad person aren’t they right? 10/

I’m so sorry to that person. I’m sorry they ever met me. Some lights are so bright. And I’m so much darkness. If I was a better person I’d deactivate twitter. I’m selfish & a coward & I hate myself for it. 11/

I’m so sorry I sent that tweet. I was too wrecked to think straight. I had no right to say anything. I'm wrong in every way & I'm so sorry.

It’s not an excuse. I’ve unfollowed. Them & others. I never should have admitted I’m autistic. I’m so sorry. 12/12