if you are a cis bi woman who struggles in relationships with cis het men because they feel vaguely incompatible with your queerness and your being, you should ask yourself whether you are actually interested in partnerships with cis het men and men generally. might be comphet.

using queerness as a tool for analysis and a signifier of my politics, i don't consider relationships i would have with cis het men to be "queer relationships". am i still queer? absolutely. if you feel that you lose a piece of your being by being with men, unpack why.

to me, the fixation with making relationships between bi cis women and cis het men "queer" is unresolved insecurity in one's sexuality. a fear of queerness keeps you in relationships that you're taught to see as easier but that are still unfulfilling because they're not queer.

indulging the queering of relationships with cis het men isn't going to help you in resolving that insecurity, which is why even though i empathize, i'm not willing to slap queer on things that are not and don't have to be. you can date men if YOU want to and it not be queer.

(im bi as a disclaimer. before anyone acts like i'm speaking as someone not bi.)

this is also a personal choice as a nonbinary person. i live much of my life read as cis and i think that would only be intensified if i were in a relationship with a cishet man. you don't have to feel that way. just read the thread for the bi stuff! https://twitter.com/jaowrites/status/1380285322043473922?s=19

I posted this 2 IG and it's almost funny to see people respond to me essentially saying that we are bi/queer independent of our partnerships and therefore we should free ourselves of this pressure to queer non-queer partnerships with "why am i not queer enough for you".

Again, if you feel less whole in a relationship with a man, even with internal and external validation of your queerness and wholeness, let's sit with the feelings, discuss the feelings intracommunally, and move forward accordingly !!!!

i can't control how people are read this, but i am talking to and about the (usually white) cis bi women we see on the tl all the time who do not feel whole with men & try to "queer" straight, cis men instead of asking why they don't feel whole. if that isn't you, that isn't you.

this thread is not about "picking a side" and this thread is not telling you that you aren't queer enough.

you are queer as long as you are, which is why you should free yourself from partnerships with men who are not queer if it makes you feel less than whole.

i don't see why there is a need to extend queerness to people who are not queer. you are queer. you are a queer person experiencing that queerness in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with someone who is not queer. your queerness is not diminished, but they're still not queer

that all being said, i do not think you're in a "straight relationship" or a "lesbian relationship" because bi people are neither straight nor lesbian. i don't think that language is helpful at all for bi non-men. idk what to call it, but that wasn't my point so.