If there is one word that really sums up this period of life for me, it is bereft. Bereft of purpose. Bereft of understanding. Bereft of the energy I usually have to meet others’ expectations of care. Bereft of myself, in many ways.

I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last three years. Namely, that I will often place more importance on taking care of / supporting others than myself partly because I don’t feel I deserve to look after myself when it might get in the way of helping others.

And then this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you meet a certain standard of supporting others, that standard becomes expected. But I’m not some unlimited font of grace, of care, of understanding. No human is.

I have bad days. Really bad days. I’m having more of them in a row now than I’ve had in a while. I want to help the people in my life. I want to support them, to be there for them. But I’m finding my well is almost completely run dry.

I don’t feel like myself anymore. And also...there’s something that’s a little problematic about me thinking that the only way I can “be myself” is by continuously giving support and care and grace and not minding what I receive in return.

A lot of the self-care /mental health discourse says things like, “Don’t be afraid to ask for help” but really misses the fact that, actually, many people have a lot of reasons to believe that when they ask for help, they either won’t receive or will be penalized for it.

So, you become self-sufficient. And then, when people are used to you being self-sufficient, they might forget to take what you’re dealing with seriously. “Oh, so-and-so will be okay. They always are.”

Or even in more dire cases, “So-and-so will be okay because they *have* to be okay bc I rely on them for help, so if they’re not okay, what will happen to me?”

I’m really, really lucky that I do have people in my life who I can turn to for help. This thread sounds a little “woe is me.” I’m very aware that I do have a community that cares for me, and there are a number of people whose care has really helped me through this year.

I guess I feel like I’m still trapped in a state of having to earn care, to be worthy of care, and that the only way I can do so is to try to need as little of it as possible while constantly giving far beyond what I have the capacity for.

In short, while I know I have a lot of people who I can lean on, I feel like I still have to keep everything as in control as possible (which I’m doing more poorly than usual rn). I’m in crisis, but I can’t let go, bc I’m not so sure who will be there to catch me if I do.