So @markgungor said yesterday: "At it’s core, marriage is a sexual contract. Refusing sex to your partner is a violation of the contract."

In our recent survey of 20,000 Christian women, we found that his take on sexless marriages is completely off base. Here's how.

When women (1) have high marital satisfaction; (2) frequently orgasm during intercourse; and (3) have husbands who don't use porn, marriages almost NEVER become sexless. Sexlessness is a SYMPTOM of a greater problem. Women don't suddenly up and decide to give up on sex one day.

Now there are many reasons why a marriage might become sexless. In this thread, I'm only going to address the most common scenario: She never orgasms; she feels distant from her husband; and she's one of the 16% of women who say their primary emotion after sex is "feeling used."

Evangelical marriages have a 47 point orgasm gap--95% of men almost always/always orgasm during sex, compared with 48% of women.

And the most common reason that women don't orgasm? Lack of foreplay on the part of the husband, and lack of prioritizing her pleasure.

Let's consider two marriage scenarios:
1. No intercourse
2. Intercourse where she doesn't orgasm & she feels used.

In #1 she has no orgasm. In #2, she has no orgasm AND she feels used.
#1 is worse for HIM. But #2 is far worse for HER.
But only #1 raises red flags to Mark Gungor

We count a marriage as "having sex" as long as THE HUSBAND orgasms. Her orgasm is optional, a bonus, but not necessary. And we know this because no one calls a marriage where she doesn't orgasm sexless; but they do call a marriage where HE doesn't orgasm sexless.

Again--there are many other reasons for sexless marriages. But saying that men can separate from wives who don't have sex without acknowledging that many men in sexless marriages have systematically killed their wives' sex drives completely eradicates her experience.

I also know that there are many reasons that women don't orgasm. It isn't always due to the husband. But a good husband will help her unlock her sexuality and deal with any trauma she has. He won't have sex with her for years on end without caring that she feels little pleasure.

I could also say much more about rape culture & obligation sex--we found in our survey that making women feel obligated to have sex results in far worse sexual outcomes for her and far higher rates of sexual pain. The obligation sex message, as Mark frames it, is toxic.

So what should we say instead? Let's have a HEALTHY view of sex--where sex is only sex if it is MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE. One-sided intercourse is not biblical sex, and God does not demand that women put up with it.

And listen--two years ago I would have something similar to Mark. But we did the research, & we've changed our view. We need a better conversation about sex in the evangelical community, which means listening to research. Simply being a pastor doesn't make someone a sex expert.

For a healthier route forward, please see The Great Sex Rescue, and learn what 20,000 Christian women can tell us about what really makes sex work in marriages--and what evangelical messages are toxic.

#greatsexrescue

https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/great-sex-rescue/

Reference: Mark Gungor's Facebook post: https://www.facebook.com/markgungor/posts/312760930207864