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Have you ever had an honest conversation with someone who, on initially meeting you, 'just didn't take to you'? It's a really interesting thing when it happens because the reason(s) are sometimes the most surprising and affirming thing that can happen...
Many many years ago, was working as part of national project. We were from all parts of the country with a common goal of sparking/highlighting arts projects from groups experiencing racism and barriers to arts opportunities. And the group would meet regularly as a collective...
From get go we all got on really well. We had a common purpose and were genuinely intrigued by each other's regional perspectives. But there was one woman who for some reason just didn't seem to like me. And being me, if I sense bad vibes, I simply stay away from you. No probs.
Then one day during one of our training days...and here I will be vague as it's her business...she had a a mental health crisis. I noticed and the long and short of it is that night she ended up staying at my house, with a bottle of gin, instead of travelling back home. Yes.
I needed to know she was safe and had someone to talk through what was happening for her. At this stage, I had had very minimal contact with her but here she was in my front room - in a very bad place. As the evening went on we talked about our mutual standoffish-ness...
She expressed something I was not expecting...that my openness and the fact that if someone asked me a question, I would simply answer it, made her distrust that kind of openness was real. Hmmh...But then as she said those words she heard herself say them...and it was a moment!
What she was saying was that my openness made her uncomfortable cos she struggled to be open and direct in her communication a lot of the time because of her family background. I expressed that my family background left me with too many 'unknowns' and so I overcompensated...
Openness/directness is my response. But that I had learnt the hard way that if people were going to mistreat you based on nothing, just move from them! Most important, it affirmed something big to me about how we're always reflecting things back to each other...triggering even...
There was nothing wrong with my openness and directness but it was making her feel unsafe. It is still one of the most powerful conversations I have had ever. And that openness/directness was the reason why I was now able to give/help. Listen we BONDED!!!!
The point of all of this is sometimes without good cause people can 'feel a way' about you. Quite a lot of the time that can have nothing to do with you. Don;t change yourself because someone wants to judge you for it. If who you are is causing now harm to anyone...stay you!
If others love you for something, and there seems to be others that balk at that, it might just be them! I've never regretted being an open and direct person, it keeps me open to so many things - inc caring. If that creates mistrust in others, then pls feel your feelings...
Friends, enemies, acquaintances, nemesis etc all about learning who you are. which bits to keep growing and nurturing and which bits to start to let go of. Nothing more. Nothing less. Basically stand tall in yourself once in a while. You may not be the problem. You're alright.
But then again...if lots of people are saying 'woah you're hurting people' then LISTEN. Or if your directness or 'real talk' starts to turn nasty and vindictive, then yeah observe how people don't want to share with you no more.
If you ever get a chance to have a conversation with someone who clearly doesn't like you, even for no apparent reason, ask them what they are feeling when you are just being you. There's usually vulnerability there...but be prepared to be surprised.
