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TW s*ic*de
Thinking of admitting myself to the hospital. Aand I know how that goes but Idk what else to do anymore.
Thinking of admitting myself to the hospital. Aand I know how that goes but Idk what else to do anymore.
Literally no one who sorta fucks with me (the most I can ever hope for is ppl who SORTA fuck with me, no one ever really has my back or would be there for me in crisis as I am now it& #39;s always "I can talk to you next week or I& #39;m busy rn" real show of support!
if you have that kinda love, ppl who call you ini an instant when you need them you are a lucky bastard.
MEANWHILE I am supposed to know all their issues, be there for every damn thing but can& #39;t even get s PHUCKING PHONE CALL WHEN I WAANATED TO D*E ALL WEEK yal are so weak!!!! I would go it alone every day and twice on sunday if life worked that way bc I don& #39;t deserve yall!!!
But as it is we all need people.
I& #39;m better thna this
WAke up feeling groggy, ah, there& #39;s a FEELING I tried to not do anything to disturb myself and kept driftinig in and out of sleep until someone texted me to say happy easter..excuse me i& #39;m not a christian why would you say that.
And esp with the issue with my parents it dragged me back down to hell to hear plans of Easter family brunch. And then I thought long and hard abt my plans to go to the park...
it& #39;d just be a buncha families remidning me I have non, no parents, no kids and I am the embodiment of barely hanging by a thread
So i canceled that bc it was a making me cry a lot. also made me cry a lot that my friend who I& #39;d tried to tell i wsa in bad shape, last night, didn& #39;t even ask me how I waas doing this morning.
And so I took some drugs a bit ago, hoping to pass out.
BUT yall win, I finally caalled a s*ic*de hotline, such a constant in my life and no they are not always or even often good, rarely empathetic, soemtimes blame-y, not more equipped to help I have found
but when literally no one in your "support" group ie friends and family will CALL YOU ON THE PHONE unless it& #39;s abt their shit, or if they do there& #39;s always THAT METER RUNNING! You know the one, maybe they& #39;ll give 5 mins, 7 mins, 10 mins to you to spit out your deal but not much!
Anyway let& #39;s just say when you are alone in the world with your demons as I have always been cruel familiarity sometimes you& #39;ll try anything.
First call to the hotline I& #39;m crying (I really think yall downplay the crying that has been going on, the misery, the hopelessness) and it doesn& #39;t go through
So I call againn, someone answers but I can& #39;t hear them so I say so politely and they say I have a baad connection exasperated I saay OF COURSE I DO and hang up with them still saying I can& #39;t hear you like god and his love for the absurd.
OMG the hotline is out of play I really wanna call my pdoc and ask what to do, maybe he can prescribe a sedaative to get me through a few days until our next appt when we were already going to discuss my perpetual s*ic*daal thought more.
Haha going through depressive/c*ic*dal tweets and pruning but will leave this thread bc I do believe these feelings need to be "normalized" or w/e and anyway just remembered Ide have my pdoc& #39;s phone number he only operates by email it just gets more absurd hahahahaha
Sunday was so bad tho, I did email him about getting some immediate help bc I was in SUCH acute distress, not that literally anyone understood just how far from the edge I was...
had been trying to get off my meds w/ dr approval and gotten down very low (titrated for the last few months) but we had to take them back up a bit.
Today he could tell it was bumming me out, I really feel like I& #39;ve been off meds during bad times before so why can& #39;t I now? he said not to be upset with myself or w/e, having to take a higher dose.
Anyway mkes sense, I took the higher dose sunday night, started to feel some better by tuesday.
Also what do I have to do, start getting blackout drunk on every national holiday bc all the big family ones negatively affect me so fucking hard, i can& #39;t do it anymore al lit does is put a fine point on the fact that I have NO FAMILY
