So that’s it. As of this week I’m no longer a neurosurgery trainee. I’ve given up my NTN after 6 years in neurosurgery.

My stomach still flips when I think about what I’ve done. I still can’t quite believe I’ve done it. I’m not sure if it’s brave or stupid? 1/n

I thought I would instantly feel better, like a weight had been lifted, but I really don’t (annoyingly). I also feel like my identity is in question now - neurosurgery training is all I have known for some time. 2/n

And this idea wasn’t knee-jerk/reflexive.

It has actually been floating around my mind for quite a while. I never felt like I fitted in (was sometimes told that too), and the more senior I became, the less I felt like I could break that mould and forge a path. 3/n

I personally found training/the environment rather toxic. This is not to put anyone off - it’s about honesty. This was my experience. I’m ashamed to admit that I let some of the things that were said to me, be said. Ultimately I felt like I didn’t have a choice, but no more. 4/n

My mental health has taken a real knock the past couple of years, and there is this part of me that is overwhelmed with depression and anxiety that I just don’t recognise as me. Whilst work/training was in no way the whole cause of that, it certainly did contribute in a way. 5/n

A big part of therapy has been that of culturing some self-compassion. I’ve been vocal about how hard I find this, but I can now see that this decision in a way, is self-compassionate i.e. I’m unhappy, so let’s try and ameliorate that. I’m trying to recognise self/worth. 6/n

A senior said to me on announcing this “not everyone is cut out for neurosurgery”. No. Just no. I’m sure some will make me out as incompetent and hence why I’m leaving, but no. It’s not that I CAN’T do it... I’m now CHOOSING NOT to do it. Recognise that there’s a difference. 7/n

Re: what’s next, I have a new job to tie me over - something just to pay the mortgage for now. But I’m going to take some time off the training conveyor belt. I’m trying to avoid that “you’re a failure” internal monologue, and am recognising that I’m actually burnt out. 8/n

Eventually I hope to get back into a training programme (currently debating between GP and psychiatry), a training programme that allows me to be me, and nurtures that. Not one where being told “you are not arrogant enough” is a major criticism. 9/n

I’m also not sure why I’ve wrote this. I’m guessing I can’t be the only one who may be having a crisis of career/training... I don’t know because we don’t talk about it. But I DO know that it’s terrifying, and if it’s the right thing for you, then you may owe it to yourself 10/10