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I'll admit it: this is pretty much California as I understand it. https://twitter.com/AviWoolf/status/1377390727395598337
I wish I could do a map like this for Illinois or Maryland or Wisconsin. Illinois' would pretty much be "CHICAGO" + "SUBURBANITES WHO WISTFULLY WISH THEY STILL LIVED IN CHICAGO" + "SECRET MISSOURI SUBURB" + "CORN."
Maryland would be far more diverse. Oh God, someone toss me a link to app where I can do this map for Maryland.
Gotta, say, this is dead-f***ing accurate for Chicago.
The division between "Gays (partying)" and "Gays (antiquing)" literally made me laugh out loud, whoever did this really knows the city well.
I have lived in Chicago in a place not on this map (southside, Hyde Park), "Cool In The '90s," "Irritatingly Ambitious Young People," and "Gentrification Minus The Cool Parts," which is almost depressing for me to admit the complete accuracy of.
A topic like this is so fun for me to talk about is because the regional (and even citywide) variegation you can find in the United States is so invigorating. Sure, toss around insults or whatnot. But the fact that we're so wildly diverse, even in micro-urban terms, is great!
That said, everyone from Rhode Island and Connecticut is trash. Ice floe --> Atlantic Ocean. They won't be missed.
Okay, so Rhode Island might have some (few, very few) charms, but c'mon now, Connecticut exists to annoy people trying to get from New York to Massachusetts. I'd be willing to admit Puerto Rico as a state if we abolished Connecticut.
(apologies to @CTIronman, who is a good guy doing the best he can under tough circumstances. but alas, to the ice floe you must go.)
We practically stole Alaska from the Russians for pennies on the dollar, so it seems to me that it's only fair we sell Connecticut back to them now. Their style of governance would possibly be an improvement. https://twitter.com/ElderZarkon/status/1377405326551515137
Seriously though, it's incredibly fun to just talk trash about random states as an American. I constantly use Iowa as a punchline of a place I would rather open a vein than be caught living in and I actually LIKE Iowans!
In fact, I can find a deeply personal way to talk trash about every single state in the Union. Challenge me if you wish, and I will rake in the hatred as opposed to you.
There is nothing specific about Oklahoma at all and that’s the worst insult that could ever be paid it. https://mobile.twitter.com/squirrelspcsuit/status/1377421018415833089
Oklahoma is that part of Texas that even Texas was too embarrassed to want.
Weed tourists, gentrifying scum ruining Denver, and too many trust-fund skiers to properly run down with a snowmobile at once. https://twitter.com/DodgersFanPG/status/1377408646829596675
NIMBY bobos in Montgomery and Howard County, weird Appalachian separatists in Garrett and Allegany, redneck cops in eastern MD whose entire job to ticket you after you cross the Bay Bridge and the speed limit drops to 25 mph for no reason... https://twitter.com/alanzilberman/status/1377407830509056007
MD is my home state, I could just go on and on about Montgomery County alone. Let's talk Rockville Pike, the living embodiment of suburban consumerist blight and traffic delays before the entire goddamn region became synonymous with both things.
You say this and then I just have to ask you: have you ever BEEN to eastern Maryland? Because yeah, that's just about right. https://twitter.com/fierybraille/status/1377430361227988992
Okay, let's talk Baltimore, 1/10th old money, 2/3rds places the whites all fled away from to Baltimore County (not the same thing!) and Anne Arundel, and 1/5 THE WIRE.** But I'll admit it: I still love Balto like only a Marylander can, flaws aside.
**fractions may not add up
**fractions may not add up
Ah yes, lovable Frederick County, which when I grew up was referred to with the slogan "where the men are men and the women are too." https://twitter.com/srqmrl/status/1377431350035292161
I have a deeply personal and particularized version of Hell, and it's basically traffic court in Frederick County where every time you leave you find five parking tickets on your car.
Michigan is 50% untamed blasted heath (nobody lives in the UP except for moose, notably angry bears, and cavemen-humans), 10% meth addicts, 10% obnoxious college students, and 30% Ford Motors. https://twitter.com/MadziJ/status/1377410486283640836
South Carolina? I mean, what can you say about South Carolina except that I wish Sherman had turned northwards instead of heading for Atlanta. https://twitter.com/KyleErSm/status/1377414020295139328
Also, palmetto bugs are the most traumatizing form of cockroach and I have blamed South Carolina on a deeply personal level since childhood.
My mom's family is from Indiana (actually, she was born in St. Louis but moved there when she was 2yo, so if it's possible to imagine, she actually *downgraded*) and there's a reason she and everyone else she knew called her hometown "India-no-place." https://twitter.com/AndrewDettmer/status/1377438055926165504
The best thing about Indianapolis is its boring suburbs. I can't think of a more damning criticism than that.
(N.B. IU-Bloomington is kind of awesome, I have to drop the charade for a minute and just admit that. My parents met there! It's a beautiful campus.)
(N.B. IU-Bloomington is kind of awesome, I have to drop the charade for a minute and just admit that. My parents met there! It's a beautiful campus.)
Phoenix/Scottsdale is truly special as a major metropolitan area in the U.S. southwest that somehow manages to fuck up Mexican food in every one of its highly-rated restaurants. Also, Sedona is a great place if you love crystal power and astrology. https://twitter.com/RainmakerBones/status/1377440033209081856
I can't hate on Ohio more than Ohio already hates on itself. Two major cities (one is basically Buffalo w/a burning river, the other is basically Kentucky w/slightly less Klan) + mid-level towns where everyone who was born there pretends they weren't. https://twitter.com/sferg_93/status/1377440846274949122
Mrsoteric was born in Toledo, OH and this is a secret she used to only confess to her closest and most trusted friends. That pretty much tells you all you need to know about Toledo.
I will make a minor shout-out to Dayton, OH, however: if you ever happen to find yourself trapped there, go hit up Marian's Pizza and get a thin-crust with crumbled sausage. Trust me, you'll remember it fondly.
Honestly, Florida is too easy a target. "FloridaMan," etc., etc. Truth be told, FL is a pretty badass state I admire. Crazy people, sane governance, runs good elections, gators eat idiots every now and then. Pretty much the only problem is the weather. https://twitter.com/RobertSiegmund/status/1377443412551565313
If Florida somehow got regular snowstorms I would move there tomorrow. But alas, I am a northern-clime sort of guy.
I have what amounts to a decade-plus long history of me on Twitter saying terrible things about Philly (or just linking to Bill Burr), but I will give them this much: they could not give less of a s**t about aspiring to be NYC or Boston or DC. I dig that. https://twitter.com/murpheywithanee/status/1377451711032389634
Philadelphia is a terrible, dirty, corrupt, garbage town. As a Marylander I have the right to say that. But I also have the right to point out that true Philly people have a proper sense of themselves. They can take a joke and also punch you back in the face too. I like that.
My primary theory about Oregon is that everyone there is a secret racist, only some of them are unaware of it and are absolutely convinced they're the wokest people on the planet. https://twitter.com/HowIbeatShrek/status/1377446761904672768
It is impossible to hate Minnesota more than Minnesotans already quietly, passive-aggressively, hate you. https://twitter.com/realnickenting/status/1377614167365013513
Also, the Minneapolis-St. Paul road-naming system was quite clearly constructed by Scandihoovians to keep outsiders frustrated and confused. A brilliantly surly masterpiece of civic engineering. The message: STAY AWAY, OUTLANDER.
When I was living in Minneapolis, I was a couple blocks away from FOUR DIFFERENT STREETS with the name "1st." 1st Ave, 1st St NE, 1st St SW, etc. NONE OF THEM HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE OTHER.
It's a town that prizes your utter navigational confusion.
It's a town that prizes your utter navigational confusion.
lol this absolutely true. Amy Klobuchar would give no quarter, show no mercy, leave no stapler unthrown. https://twitter.com/CREID2852/status/1377616374135205892
NH can be divided into two distinct halves: white people who moved there from the Boston metro area to escape the whole "Boston metro area" experience, and clannish white people in the north whose families have been living there for centuries. Diversity! https://twitter.com/SquirrelTheWR/status/1377446170998534147
There are dark secrets and betrayal and lies hiding in northern New Hampshire. You are not welcome among them. They keep to their own.
Coming Soon on NETFLIX.
Coming Soon on NETFLIX.
People I can go all day on this. I have a hottake on every state in America except maybe North Dakota, because honestly how many people even remember that North Dakota exists except when Ian Millhiser is bitching about the structure of the U.S. Senate?
I guess that in theory North Dakota has enough nuclear ICBM silo sites to destroy the entire planet, so maybe we shouldn't needle them too much.
Kentucky is nothing but moonshine whiskey stills, meth labs, JUSTIFIED-style redneck mafia crime, and NCAA basketball recruiting scandals. https://twitter.com/Thomas_l_s/status/1377680276034179074
The entire reason Kentucky is allowed to continue to exist as a state is so Jason Isbell and the Drive-By Truckers can farm them for content to write songs about.
Nebraska doesn't actually exist, it's just an unclaimed territory that was invented to give Ben Sasse a platform to publicly pontificate about Epictetus or whatever. https://twitter.com/abe_smith/status/1377684114975956997
Columbus, OH isn't a city, it's a rumor. https://twitter.com/collinsimula/status/1377686322777890820
