Hello all. I have Bipolar 2 and this pandemic has been tough. I am going to sticky this as a little diary. I need to remember how I felt during this time. This is for me, but if anyone wants to share, you are welcome and you are not alone.
#mybipolar
I don’t like that Bipolar is designated as a Disorder. It’s an illness or disease like cancer, heart problems, and alcoholism...calling it a disorder almost makes me feel like I am defective.
#mybipolar
Over the course of this pandemic I have had tears in my eyes some days and could not tell you why. This happens sometimes. Crying is healthy, but I wish I knew why sometimes. Not sure if anyone has experienced the same.
#mybipolar
Sometimes my Bipolar surfaces as arrogance and overconfidence. By doing that, it masks insecurity. However it doesn’t really show my true self. Arrogance is a great defense.
#mybipolar
I was in the Air Force for 24 years. Twice I was inpatient. Once for alcohol, once for concerns over me harming myself. The Air Force saved my life. I credit my leadership, but when the guys that worked for me gave me unconditional support, it meant everything. #mybipolar
Re-emerging after I almost killed myself was hard for those around me. They didn’t want to trigger me. I was carrying a lot of shame and was embarrassed of myself. But, when I came back they had tears in their eyes, they missed me, and they loved me. #mybipolar
For an 18 month period I ran 13 miles a day. Since I wasn’t medicating, the adrenaline rush served that purpose. I had a slight tear in my Achilles, but my Bipolar would not allow me to stop. I stopped running, no meds, my body shut down, almost died. Meds work. #mybipolar
It’s not always bad. I look forward to the highs. It’s an amazing feeling. But, when this happens I sleep less, do more, almost exhaust myself. I have to pace myself or I could crash.
#mybipolar
It’s exhausting and liberating to throw stuff out there. It’s good though. Sometimes we forget.
#mybipolar
Sometimes I think people can visibly see I am Bipolar. I’ll avoid eye contact in those situations, overthink, and walk away feeling awkward. The thing is, it’s not real. No one saw that or thought that. My Bipolar tries to trick me sometimes. #mybipolar
I was also diagnosed with BPD. Sometimes I don’t react with the proper emotion for the moment. I notice because I am aware of how my reaction is different than theirs. Instead of emoting organically, I worry if I am doing it right.
#mybipolar
When I was in treatment for mental health at the VA I was the only active duty person on there. Thankfully I got help when I did because I saw older vets in there that should have been given help a long time ago.
Not being able to wear shoelaces because someone thinks you might hurt yourself is humbling.
Honestly though, the elevated mania part of being Bipolar is enjoyable. Almost like you have a superpower. Super focused.
It’s not always peaks and valleys...sometimes it’s just flat ground.
I know I have to take a few pills before I go to sleep. I procrastinate for no reason. I’ll walk by the bottle and not grab them. It’s like I need that little tension or something. It’s weird. Always take them tho.
I’m not hashtagging anymore. Boring. I did take my meds.
Being a single parent has been difficult while battling my mental health. Hard to find the right balance of being the parental figure, while figuring out self care. There is no safety net there.
Sometimes when I think I am having a bad day, I remember that one time I woke up in a hospital strapped to a bed for safety reasons. Someone watched over me for 24 hours non-stop. So even with a bad day here and there, that is something won’t experience again.
I was supposed to start Dialectical Behavior Therapy tomorrow. Unfortunately it got pushed it back. Interested because it has elements that will help me value myself. We all do good things daily, even if we don’t recognize that. Convincing yourself of that is the tricky part.
Got a workout in today. Ran a 5K on the treadmill. 12 minute miles today when I used to run 7 min miles in a 10K. It was shockingly easy.
I hate the term mania. I prefer elevated. Spring/summer is my time of year...that is when I feel elevated. More energy, better outlook, clarity. It’s like a super power. I always have to be aware though because I won’t sleep and I’ll eat less because I am going to fast.
There is strength in admitting weakness.
Oh. Just got a call. Going to start DBT tomorrow. Getting my second dose of vaccine. It’s all coming together.
This morning I felt some family stressors. It was making me feel some kind of way. I shared that feeling with someone close and she didn’t give me advice, she just made herself available. Then boom...that feeling went away because someone listened and validated how I felt.
This is interesting. Johari Window. It’s interesting to look at each box and see what fits.
Start DBT today. The only draw back is when you see multiple therapist you have to retell your story over and over. It gets repetitive and it is easy to water down any trauma because I’ve said it so many times.
Fully vaccinated, now wait for DBT to start. I need to let him do his job and not lead him where I want to go.
First appt with DBT. It was ok. The only problem is that my next appt is like 3 months from now. At least I am in there.
When I was in the USAF a young airmen referred to me as sir. I’m enlisted, calling me sir is reserved for officers. My Chief pulled me and said he called me sir was because he had respect for me, regardless if I felt the same way. (Cont)
I mention that because sometimes when someone gives me a compliment I deflect it at times. Like I am unworthy of praise, but essentially I am pushing them away. I should just take the compliment because sometimes we can’t see our own successes. It’s a good reminder.
I’ve had some uncomfortable conversations lately with someone close to me. Both sides were sharing...sometimes is good to know you are not the only fucked up person in the world. 😂 I am grateful for that interaction.
Feeling good after vaccine. I feel my mood being elevated. Sun is out, which completely changes how I feel. I have a lot of positives in my life right now. Energy level way up, welcome spring and summer. 🥳
I was productive today. I feel good, took my meds, aces.
Stayed up too late, but had some good energy. Got a couple nice texts from people, it’s a nice way to start the day. I’m going to do the same.
Nothing really to report. No ups or downs, level. It’s not always a tug of war.
I feel fucking great. Surrounded by positive people with positive vibes. I need to watch what I consume here because some of it is a trigger making me angry, which tires me out, which leads to depression. Blinders are good at times.
Think I need to get my T1D son tested today. I’ve had multiple hospital stays with him. COVID raises blood sugars and can get him really sick. A little anxious, but I can’t assume the worst. It will all work out.
Definitely a trigger. But I can’t assume it will be bad. 1-2 days for test results too. Stay cool bruh.
Tomorrow I will turn 50. I will be in Covid protocol with my kid. He gets sick a lot because he is T1D...I don’t resent that, but after years it wears on you. It sounds selfish when I say it out loud, but I have missed a lot being a sole caregiver for him and his health.
I turn 50 today. Milestone birthday. I remember how old I thought 50 was, but now here we are. I’m sure I’ll process turning 50 at some point, but for now I will compare myself to other people my age to feel good about myself. 🙂
New relationships are always difficult to try. Over the course of my life I have always been very reserved in how I express my feelings and emotions. Keeping that bottle up for me is almost worse than bottling up anger. I need to find a better way to express myself.
Yesterday kind of sucked, but it won’t suck forever.
Happy Friday.
I know a lot of people are celebrating Easter, but come on man, Jesus moved that big rock by himself after he was crucified?

1 of 4 stars, do not recommend
About to go fishing. This is the good stuff.
I catch a billion fish on that cove. Too damn windy though. I did get sun...which is welcome.
Calm down fortune cookie. This seems a little personal.
Today was not terrible.
Van Halen-Best of Both Worlds
4 out of last 5 days at the gym. Feels good. Consistency is key.


Oh how I love this speech.

I love this scene...I can be the bitter guy or I can be the optimist who doesn’t hate himself. I chose that.
This is a good fishing day. Solitude and I get to kill something.
I still feel betrayed by my family over this election. They all voted for Trump. I wasn’t in Afghanistan when the bounties were active, but the Taliban was still trying to kill us. They didn’t need extra motivation to kill Americans. (Cont)
They are all so “proud” of my service, but fucking ignored Trump completely disrespecting the military that I was a part of for 24 years. I need to let it go, but I’m still disappointed in all of them.
Ahhhh. Ear buds in, catching fish, this beats therapy.
Me to older fisherman: What are you using, jigs, what?

Old man: I don’t like your shirt (turns back on me)

That’s why I wear it. Fucking delicious.
Woke up super early. Energy levels high. Definitely makes everything better when it’s over 70 degrees.

It is amazing how my musical tastes change with the weather. In the winter it is Metallica/Slayer/Megadeth. Summer rolls around and it is prime season for Van Halen, Def Leppard, and AC/DC. Relic? Probably, but this new music is terrible.
I dread holidays. I shouldn’t, but there is stress in planning for them. Solo for a long time...I know as a Dad it’s what I should do, but holy shit I’d like to sit back once and let someone else do all of it.
My aunt posts a lot of hateful shit on FB. Holy fuck she posts some awful shit. It’s embarrassing. That adds a layer of uneasiness. I mean I’m fucking related to a bunch discriminating evangelicals. Trust me, they aren’t angels.
I should be totally vaccinated now. Got my kids first dose yesterday, my daughter is getting the one shot on Friday, so we are close to being impervious to COVID.
I’m disappointed in how shitty people are.
One funny thing that happened when I was a patient at the VA. They thought I was delusional because I told them an Army 2 Star Gen was coming to visit me. It was actually true. She was good people...she is gay and even in her position of power I saw her marginalized.
I gave someone a compliment today and they legit said it made their day, which made my day. ❤️
Find someone who sees you for who you are, not how you see yourself.
They'll find a cure for anything
Just kill the pain
Numb my brain
We see a man
Speaking the word of God
Provin' to be a fraud
His own church applauds
Stop lookin' out
Start lookin' in
Be your own best friend
Stand up and say
Hey, this is mine!

- Van Halen
Haven’t been in this thread in forever. Feeling good, those around me aren’t, so just need to balance meeting their needs while maintaining personal mental health. That is a hard line to walk, but there is not another option. Single parent stuff is bullshit sometimes.
You can follow @carphalen5150.
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