Let me say this real quick !!

(I'm sorry for any tears or pain from it it's just ... it's just remind me of something)

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So Chuuya is the type who loves speed while Dazai doesn't ...

He just don't like the idea of making choices or even making a move before thinking about it many times.

Because it reminds him of the choice Odasaku made a long time ago. The choice he didn't think about well before

sending himself to the death. Even if he knows he'll fail and they both will die Dazai still think if he asked for help from his friends maybe things wouldn't end like they did

Maybe Oda will make it and be with them

Maybe he'll be with him in the ADA

Maybe he'll stay his hero

a lot of maybe(s) but none of them happen and will never happen because he's now in better place with the orphane kids he used to take care of

Even if speed and fast choices still make Dazai scared, he's still afraid from slow moves.
It reminds him of how much time he had wasted

while talking to Mori, he still regret it, wishing he run away without wasting any more second with the most man he hate

The man who destroyed him

The man who made him the Demon Prodigy

The man who teamed him with ... Chuuya

Chuuya ... The first boy he meet in his age, it's

the first choice he doesn't regret but when they were 16 and he figured out who Chuuya is ...

He was worried

He was afraid

He was ... dying again ...

But Oda was there for him. He was there to support him. He was there to give him both his hand and support to save Chuuya

After his death Dazai got scared, he got terribly terrified from -almost- everything

When he got back to /his/ house he remembered him ... "Chuuya" he'd cry whenever he remember something about him.

His clothes style

his voice

his name ...

The day he decided to leave was the

hardest choice he ever made. He wanted to leave without leaving anything behind

He burned his coat from Mori. destroyed what he doesn't need. and at last, he knew Mori will know about his betrayal and he'll tell Chuuya -who got back from a long trip- So he exploded his car ...

And run away ... Not showing his face until Kyõka got him–

But before that !!!

–––

FOUR YEARS AGO...

"Dazai-Kun ? Are you interested in getting a job to help the others ?"

"... You got my attention, go ahead"

The test wasn't easy for him but when he made it he thought he'll

feel better after helping people but it didn't ... He still have this tense. it's still there deep inside himself tearing him apart ...

He thought things will get better and his intention to kill himself will stop but no, it only got worse

He found a way to do it with beautiful

woman ... A beautiful way to die ...

But none of them wanted to do that, even if he's tall and hot man they still find it weird to /die/ just because /he/ asked them nicely

Fail after the other ...

Even when he tease Kunikida ... it wasn't satisfying as he always hope

he'd be

throwing him in the air yes he enjoys that but he's looking for something else not around...

After a while he met Atsushi. The young boy was surprised by who is Dazai Osamu -even if he didn't know that much about him he still wants to know more- but he started to know little by

little, trying to convince himself the guy infront of him is alive, soul and body. Knowledge and power

That's what he's trying to tell himself but there are times when something happen and all his thoughts change

/"If I had to go, I'd like to go out just as beautifully "/

Leaving poor Sushi fighting the growing fear inside him -again-

Dazai doesn't find out what he told him was a bad idea until he got home "Why did I say that infront of him?" Regret regrow inside him. that feeling of pain he felt when Oda died between his arms...

*sniff* "sorry"

In his futon, he remembered the day Kyouka kidnaped him. the day he see Chuuya -again-

'Eww. Disgusting. His style still the same' is what he first think about but deep inside him 'Chuuya ? Beautiful. No matter what you wear you still amazing for me' but he can't say any of it

He's not ready to attach to another person and watch them die between his hands … Again ...

"Gross" to see Chuuya react to any silly thing he says makes him happy, very happy but he need to be careful to not cross the lines he crossed before

When Chuuya let him go warning him

there won't be second chance, he tried to convince himself there /won't/ be

/'no second chance'/

no second chance to hurt you again

no second chance to make myself suffer, to regret any more choices

But who is he to say there won't be second chance when a lot happens after ?

//CW mention of death

(I'll add note when it's over)

"sorry" *sniff sniff*

His futon suddenly became cold. he can't stay inside it or he might … die inside it ...

'you won't make it Osamu'

he panicked jumped from his place sweating but still cold

'Whatever you try to do you'll come to me sooner or later'

"Who- Who are you ?!"

he's still afraid. he's still shivering. he's still cold. he's still ...

'I'm your friend Osamu, you forgot me already ?'

… scared

'I'm the death my old friend. I knew you had a wish so why don't you let me make it come true ?'

"come … true ?"

'with no pain as you love it'

"no pain ?" he repeated

His body still cold. sweating. afraid from him ... from his voice

He wants to run away, far from him but is there a way to run from the death ?
Isn't he the one who challenged the death by trying to kill himself ?

'Run' he looked at the shadow in front

of the window 'run if you can Osamu but you can't hide'

he knew he wants to escape but did he knew to where? he stood on his feet runs toward the door and escaped without looking back

He let his feet lead him to any place it wants until he found himself in front of-

"Atsushi?"

End of : mention of death

you can go on reading

(I forgot to add 'the' before 'death' sorry for that)

He was siting by the river the first place they met in. The memory of it played inside his head

they were amazing days, before he find himself like this. in this mess. He wants to approach him but he saw how sad he is

is it because of something he said?

is it because of /him/?

Atsushi looked at the other side then turned to the other side catching Dazai before he try to run away.
He looked at the young boy quietly waiting him to walk away like /he/ did but-

Atsushi stood from his place walking to him "This is the first place we met"

"yeah" he looked

at the young boy to find him smiling

"They were beautiful days Dazai-San"

"Yeah. they were" He looked at him shocked by the request "Can't we get them back ?"

but I'm alive

I'm fine

I won't die- not yet

"Atsushi- ?"

"Please ?" teary begging eyes staring up at him "Atsushi"

"Atsushi ?" the boy is white ... like he's ... "ATSUSHI ?!"

He woke up sweating, breathless, looking around. It's still night. it was nightmare

"Dazai-San ?" he looked at the door "you finally woke up"

"I- what ?"

"you were screaming many names when I came to check on you"

//four years ago//

it was pain and it /still/ for him. visiting Oda's grave started to get him more tired than before

seeing Chuuya while passing by is getting more scary

talking became phobia when he's around Atsushi ...

none of this is ok. if he take things slowly they are

mess and if he to do things quickly they're mess too ...

That's why he's here, right now on the top of a skyscraper with everyone from the ADA screaming begging him to /not/ do it

"Please Dazai-San !!" he doesn't look back and he won't to not see their scared and begging faces

down the Port Mafia are waiting for him to jump to catch his body.
He picked this day because he knows Chuuya isn't in Yokohama but everyone suddenly became ... Caring

let me die

I don't want to stay

I just ruin things instead of fixing them

"Please don't !"

One of his feet

float in the air, he opened his arms wide to welcome the cold breeze and-

"Dazai-San ! NOOOOO !"

"Atsushi stop !"

"No please ! let me save him"

"He might has hit the ground by now" Kunikida's voice is shaky unable to say the word

*sobs*
"He didn't-"
*sobs*
"He didn't die he-

//CW : mention of blood, dead bodies and bad memories

can't-"

"You're right but-"

scream from down made them run to the edge to see-

Chuuya on the ground holding bloody body "Osamu ?! You fucking dumb you can't jump from high place like this !"

Mori screamed to his men asking them to call 911 to ... save what might last from him

---

"Chuuya-Kun managed to catch him before he hit the ground but he got badly injured too ... Dazai manipulated his ability" Mori told them, his eyes on the ground not daring to look at them

"Will he ... Make it ?" Atsushi asked

"he might if he doesn't mess with the machines"

He left them to check on Chuuya

"That jerk" Kunikida started "Why did he do that ?"

Atsushi tried to remember ...

/"I lost friend because I didn't rush to save him and because I didn't stop him when I had the chance"/

"because he thought he's a failure"

"he thought what ?"

end of : blood, dead bodies but there is still mention of sad memories

enjoy reading

"because he couldn't save his close friend" he said

"because the choices between rushing and taking things slowly only messed him up" Ranpo said "is that what you mean "Atsushi-kun ?"

"yes" he nodded "so-"

"So Dazai-Kun is just a dot stuck in the middle of the nowhere with no-

hope to live" Ranpo said slowly with warning voice

"so he might try to do this again. We need to get therapist-"

"No no Kunikida-Kun" he wave his hand "this is the worst idea" he looked him in the eye "someone like Dazai only needs people around him. To give him reason to live

and what happened in the past had happened and it's over-"

Fukuzawa finished his line with "because now he has caring family" Ranpo nodded "exactly"

when the silence spread around them they all seemed /more/concerned about their current situation "who'll stay with him tonight?"

When no one volunteered Atsushi rose his hand

"Are you sure ? Mori said he might get panic attacks and-"

"I know, that's why I want to stay with him" he smiled for them "I can take care of everything"

even if they're still worried about him, they let him be, hoping everything

will be alright

---

Dazai's room is quiet -except the sound of the machines around his bed- the view made Atsushi's heart squeeze. close to tears ... but he can't cry ...

He took a seat behind his bed, looking at -who was bandaged- tracking his scares without touching him. He

whispered to himself "where did they all come from ?"

are they caused by /self harm/ ?

are they caused by /his missions/ ?

'what are you Osamu Dazai ? and why are you a closed folder ?'

questions with no answers and might not have one are playing inside his head-

"Atsushi ?"

when he looked up he expected to see opened red eyes with black circles under them but-

they were closed. Silly him, he thought he woke up ... He sit there staring at the badly damaged body waiting for it's owner to look at him. to smile at him again, just for one more time ...

his eyes opened wide screaming. taking off the oxygen tube from his face "Dazai-San ?!" he tried to not touch him as Mori asked "Please Dazai-San ? calm down, try to relax please !!"

All what he's doing is screaming, crying for help -help to take the pain away- Atsushi couldn't

hold it anymore and hugged him "shshsh I'm here" patting his back "I'm here with you" talking to him quietly "I won't leave you"

"you-" he chocked from crying "you won't?"

Atsushi nodded "I won't because you didn't"

His tears fall again "I didn't?" can't believe it "I didn't?"

"Yes Dazai-San you never left me, especially when I was hurt" he took deep breathe and finished with "because you are my family and I am yours too"

"I- I'm part of a family ?" he's still crying, laying his head on the young boy's shoulder, squeezing his fist on his shirt

"yes -

it's the same family you introduced me to, Dazai-San"

his eyes wide open, tears falling heavily "I don't deserve them-"

"You do. If you think you don't deserve them then- try to think the other way" he feel dumb to say that thinking about anything to explain it because Dazai

isn't in a situation where he can give unclear answers "What I mean is ... Those people in the agency? they are the one who took you because they saw hope in you, they saw a lot of capabilities coming from /you/" he hold him tighter and kept going "we all were afraid because you

mean a lot to us. We all care about you Dazai-San" he started crying, biting his lip and tried to keep going "We want you with us because life means nothing without you. You're the one who saved me, you're the one who saved Yokohama, you're the one who saved the world. You can't

imagine how much I adore you ... You are my hero"

//"Hero"//

/"Odasaku is my hero~"
"I'm not though"
"*gasp* YOU ARE and you can't change my mind~"/

"I- I'm not" he mumbled

"yes you are and you can't change my mind"

he gasped and this time he cried louder than before holding

his shirt /tighter/ "Atsushi ?"

"Yes Dazai-San"

He never said it before because it was never his intention to cause anyone trouble especially with /his personal problems/ but now ? he really need it, he /really/ need someone by his side

"Please don't leave me alone" he said it

with all what he has from strength

"I won't, I promise"

"Tha- Thank you" he closed his eyes and relaxed his muscles after he heard his reply
He yawned and Atsushi giggled "I guess that's your sleeping alarm?"

he tried to pull away to make him lay but Dazai didn't let go, he's

afraid to be left alone (again) but-

"I promised I won't leave you alone Dazai-San and I won't break our promise but you need to sleep. You sleep and I'll be sitting here behind you" he seemed convinced, so he let go and laid on the mattress giving his body the chance to relax

"Dazai-San? What do you want for breakfast ?"

he think about it -half awake half asleep please remember all of this is happening and he's still under the drug's effect-

"Herring if possible" he said before closing his eyes and fall in deep sleep. Atsushi took his phone looking

for any easy and delicious recipe until he found some "hmm. this might be good one"

---

When the sun started to rise, it's warm threads moved through his window to fill his room with warmth "annoying caring sun" he mumbled -he still half awake half asleep after another 2 panic

attacks which Atsushi couldn't handle and called Mori for help-

when he opened his eyes yawning trying to look around the room. he can't see Atsushi "he said he'll stay with me" he pulled his legs closer to his chest, wiping his cold tears "you lied to me and left me alone"

when the door opened he raised his head to find-

"Ah Dazai-San? You woke up before I come. aww I wanted to surprise you but it seems I failed"

"Surprise me?"

"YES! I made you grilled herring and stewed one too" he looked at him smiling "I wanted to finish them faster but there

you go! might not be the best but I tried" he scratched the back of his head awkwardly after giving him his food

"Why ?" he seemed more sad

"We understand how much you hate to be taken care of and how uncomfortable you become but it won't hurt to ask for it once in a while, we-

are here for you ... /I am here for you/" Chuuya said after entering the room -because he smelled delicious food-

"Why ?"

"Goddamnit Osamu you're asking a lot just eat your food before I do !" it spend so long since he heard his partner call him by his first name ... Both Jinko

and Chuuya caught that and nodded to each other smiling proudly for the discovery they now have and might help them later -which it will-

"Chuuya ?" he looked at him "You said you'll eat it so you might be hungry too" and smiled "why don't you join me ?"

"N- No" his stomach --

growled, warning him to not lie especially about the bad food they serve for /him/ Dazai and Atsushi looked at him blinking- what mattered to them is-

the fact that Dazai laughed. it's alive. full of energy. a laugh none of them will forget because his face was shining with the

sun light ...

---

It spent 4 months since Dazai left the hospital and he seemed to get better than he was until...

"Atsushi? where is Dazai?"

"It's his old friend's death anniversary" he said with low voice

"did you let him go alone?!" he yelled at him. afraid he might hurt

"he- he didn't, Chuuya-Sama came to take him" his muscles relaxed by hearing his. Even if he recovered they all know there is a chance it'll happen again and to know Chuuya is with him right now made them calm a bit

"Osamu?" he opened his eyes when he heard a smooth and soft

voice calling him "Are you ready to go ?"

He smiled, nodding for him.
He lend him his hand to stand up "Chibi can't pull me up since he's tiny~"

"Wanna test my patience again Osamu? because I'm well prepared" he loves how his face gets pink when he call him by his first name

"nah I know you'll lose~"

"huh?!" he stopped walking when Dazai did "what's wrong?"

"There is someone I want to visit, can you drive me to them?" he looked at him up and down and nodded,
when they got to the address he was surprised-

"Osamu Dazai? what an unexpected face to

see after all this long. I thought you won't come to see me again" they sipped from their cup of tea

"I know ... Agatha ... That's why I'm here. to tell you you helped me in nothing" he held Chuuya closer "and I found /my/ meditation"

She looked at them both blinking, shocked

from what he /means/ "oh, ok then. since you came all the way to say this then I'm happy for you"

"thank you"

"Dazai-Kun? One last question before you leave" he turned to look at her, to read her face while asking him the last question he's gonna hear from /her/

"go ahead"

"how do you feel with /this/ meditation ?"

he looked at her with wide and scary smile -but still have happiness under them-

"Alive"

// End