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*MY PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY THREAD*
I am trying to change some longstanding behaviors that are highly counterproductive to my physical and emotional wellbeing. I’ve been in these self-destructive patterns for a LONG time. Are you looking to change something in your life, too? 1/
I am trying to change some longstanding behaviors that are highly counterproductive to my physical and emotional wellbeing. I’ve been in these self-destructive patterns for a LONG time. Are you looking to change something in your life, too? 1/
If so, please join me! You don’t have to disclose what you’re doing and why you want to stop doing it (or conversely, what you’re not doing and why you want to start), but you’re welcome to if you’d like. (I’d prefer not to at this time.) I’ll share once I’m on a better path. 2/
I’ve been sabotaging myself for a long time and I would say I take 2 steps forward and 1 step back, but often it’s more like half a step forward and 2 steps back. The end result is that I’ve gotten exactly nowhere for several years. I’m done with this! Done with stagnation! 3/
So I’m going to check in here every morning and just say how things went the day before. Did I or did I not engage in the damaging behaviors? And how did I feel waking up, knowing that I did or did not engage in those actions? (My issues always occur very late at night.) 4/
Feel free to do the same, either in this thread, or by starting your own. Several years have proven that I am not able to hold myself accountable, but maybe I’ll make progress if I know I have to check in here for all to see. 5/
See, the thing is, I can lie to myself like champ. (I have at least 10 gold medals in kidding myself.) But I won’t lie to *you.* And I won’t want to have to admit to you that I did engage in my harmful behaviors, so maybe the fear of that will help me finally put up the wall. 6/
Thank you, everyone. As ugly & negative as Twitter often is, it’s also educational, inspiring, encouraging, and for someone like me, who lives alone and works from home, it’s my “water cooler” conversations during the day. My connection to other ppl & interesting discussions. 7/
I feel fortunate to be part of it and to have relationships I value with people I’ve never even met in person. You make my life a nicer place to be. I’m grateful to you for just being here and creating a community that makes me *want* to make these positive changes in my life. 8/
Last night was a disaster, so today, March 16, 2021, is day 1 of my public accountability. It’s a new day. A fresh start. Here I go… 9/9
March 17 check-in: Out of three problematic behaviors, I’m sorry to say that I did engage in one last night, but at least it wasn’t all three. Like they say on @LCMDPodcast “Progress, not perfection.” Improvement is improvement, even if it’s done in baby steps at a glacial pace.
March 18 check-in: Out of 3 behaviors I’m trying to change, 1 was pretty bad but the other 2 were better than usual. On balance, not great, but I’ve had worse nights.
March 19 check-in: Last night was okay!
March 20 check-in: Best night yet so far last night. Did not engage in any of my three damaging behaviors. Spent the night at my boyfriend’s apartment, which always helps. It’s virtually impossible to do any of them under those circumstances.
March 21 check-in: another good night with none of my harmful behaviors. (Was at boyfriend's place again.) I always do just fine when someone else is around. It's when I'm alone that things fall apart.
March 22 check-in: not a great night last night, but not my worst. Every day, I learn a new, teeny, tiny piece of the puzzle that might ultimately help me finally make lasting change. There is never failure; there are only hard-learned lessons.
Wishing everyone serenity today.
Wishing everyone serenity today.
March 23 check-in: Lets just say I'm still here and today is a new day.
March 24 check-in: not a great night last night, but not my worst. Feeling better today than I have in a while! Optimism & self-confidence are rare for me. I have to enjoy them (and be grateful!) while they're here.
March 26 check-in: Forgot to check in yesterday. Wed night wasn’t so good but I felt good on Thurs. Yesterday was better and I feel okay today so far. Going to gym later. Always feel better after that. Have some nice professional things going on that I feel optimistic about. 
March 27: Good night last night! Feeling better about a few things the last couple days. A long-term darkness is lifting lately. Hope it lasts. 
March 28: Another good night. *Whew!* Mood not quite as good today, but still improving overall. Not looking forward to the warmer weather here in NC, but it is what it is. (I seem to have reverse seasonal affective disorder: feel better when it's darker/colder, gray & gloomy.)
March 31: String of bad days. (You can assume this when I go quiet. I shy away from reporting when things are bad, but that's the whole point of accountability.) Addiction = "continued use/continued behavior engagement despite harm." I'm there. But every day is a clean slate. 
April 2: Two better nights in a row. 
Evening of 3/31 wasn’t as bad as usual and last night was much better. When I woke up yesterday, something felt different. Like something inside me had shifted and I felt/feel ready to tackle things in a way I haven’t in a long time. 
Evening of 3/31 wasn’t as bad as usual and last night was much better. When I woke up yesterday, something felt different. Like something inside me had shifted and I felt/feel ready to tackle things in a way I haven’t in a long time.
April 3: Another good night. Positive momentum starting to build. 
April 5: Skipped reporting yesterday, but Sat night & last night both good. That’s 4 nights in a row that have been much better. I suspect it’ll be a while before I notice some of the changes I hope will happen as a result, but those changes aren’t going to happen without this.
April 16: It's been a while. And you can guess why. It's been a total shitshow. An absolute goddamn disaster. But I'm still alive. Still here. Still have air in my lungs, which means change is possible. I have a lot of things in place to help me. Now, I just need to *use* them.
I very much look forward to the day when things are much better and I can be a little less mysterious and tell you what this has all been about. But in the meantime, thank you all so much for your support & encouragement. If you're struggling with something, you're not alone.
April 19: Best night I’ve had in a very long time. Feels good to wake up knowing that. Thanks to everyone who’s sent supportive messages, whether here or privately. And thanks also to all the “silent witnesses,” whom I know are cheering me on quietly. I appreciate all of you.
April 26: had a few v.good days + 1 that was really off the mark. But overall, more good days lately than bad, so progress *is* coming. I don’t update daily b/c I thought it might be a bit tedious for my followers, but it’s only 1 tweet/day, so I’ll start up again. It does help.
4/28: Someone reminded me that the whole *point* of this thread is to check in daily and not BS myself. Last two nights were pretty bad, but I'll say this: fighting these demons, I think, keeps me humble and empathetic/understanding of others who struggle with their own things.
4/29: I have weaknesses, flaws, and shortcomings. I am not working as hard as I need to be to improve any of them. And yet, none of that takes away from my worth as a human being nor makes it so that I have nothing valuable to contribute to the world.
5/10: I’m losing steam for this thread (obviously) but I’ll keep it up, even if I don’t report in daily. Recently: Progress is happening! Some backsliding, too, but I *am* making strides forward. 
