And now, a small thread on what to do in your first two weeks of starting a new job.

Begin with reasonable boundaries. Otherwise putting in extra time upfront makes it look like you're slacking when you drop back to "only" 40 hours a week.

Set a timer for 4:45 to begin wrapping up.

Figure out whether the things you were told in the interview are actually true or a pack of barefaced lies.

Expect to feel overwhelmed and like you have no idea what's going on as you slowly drown. If you don't feel like this there's a decent chance that you're overqualified for the role and will rapidly grow bored.

Expense something small. Maybe a keyboard or a mouse or something. The point is to see how the company handles expenses. It’s a window into their actual culture.

Make sure you identify what you’re aiming to accomplish in the first 30 days and communicate that.

Otherwise:

“You think you’re killing it because you’ve replaced the CI/CD pipeline, the company is trying to figure out just what the hell kind of accountant they just hired.”

Make damned sure the first paycheck is correct. If they screw up the tax withholding it’s on you to fix it. Do so now before it’s a giant issue at the end of the year.

The company gets one payroll “mistake” in your entire tenure. If it happens a second time they’re not taking some incredibly important things seriously, and you don’t want to be there when it catches up with them.

If you’re the payroll person, this ends differently.

Your company may offer a benefit for a training stipend or a home office budget. Use those quickly. They’re a part of your compensation and you might forget them once you’re fully up to speed.

Figure out the formal reporting structure, and also the informal company hierarchy. There are always politics. You’re not opting out; you’re forfeiting.

Sign up for the 401(k) or equivalent retirement plan. If they don’t have one you may have made a questionable career decision.

Schedule an upcoming vacation. You don’t get points for never leaving work.

Block out lunch and your off hours in your work calendar. If someone tries to schedule a meeting over them, decline it. Be polite but firm.

Figure out what your next career step is. Begin looking for opportunities to grow the skills you’ll need.

I’m not saying have one foot out the door—I’m saying that without this ten years will pass and you’ll be in the same place if you aren’t careful.

Decide in the sober light of day what constitutes an “emergency” that’s worth working 50 hour weeks. If everything’s an emergency then nothing is.

Normalize putting your personal appointments on the work calendar simply as “Out.” It is absolutely not your employer’s business what you’re doing.

Copy the company holiday calendar into your own so you can plan to do things with the days off.

(If you’re at the Duckbill Group, prepare for baffled questions from your family about why @ajassy’s birthday is in your calendar.)

Never lose sight of the fact that your employer employs you. They don’t own you. Do not EVER ask permission to live your life; inform them instead.

Keep notes of what doesn’t go so well during on-boarding. Everyone forgets what it’s like to be new far too quickly so some of these are hard to capture after the fact.

If you’re “negged” or made to feel like you aren’t quite qualified for the job, your workplace is toxic and you need to leave sooner rather than later. You may not believe me, and that’s okay. Reach out to your friends and verify that I’m right about this one.

Figure out:
A) How the company makes money, and
B) How your work factors into that.

Don’t ever lose sight of that relationship.

You have a lot to learn very quickly, so you can totally watch the (legally) required training videos in your personal time hahahaha I am fucking with you. Absolutely do not do this. It’s a part of your job, thus it gets done on work time.

These are all things I believed as an employee, and I believe them now as an employer.

@NatVeisWilliams, welcome to the team. The Spite Budget awaits you.