Read on Twitter
When living with a PhD student, a thread!
When your partner, friend or roommate is a PhD student, please note that at the beginning of the PhD, they will be excited at merely just being PhD students or candidates. They may be too busy revelling in that realization and may not be working much towards their research.
Please understand that the thought of doing a PhD is in and of itself overwhelming and it takes time to process. Another thing, please don& #39;t ask them to tell you what their research is about at this stage because they also have no words but a vague idea.
Also understand that conceptualizing a clear PhD research problem or hypothesis takes time. It may take a year even so please bare with us as we try and figure out what is it exactly that we are trying to do.
Also understand that they will need to make friends with other PhD students and form part of a community outside of you and the family, it doesn& #39;t mean that you are no longer good enough but what it means is that they need to be with people who are in a similar situation.
Also understand that there will be a lot of mixed emotions during the PhD, some days are good and some days are a culmination of an existential crisis. Hold space for both those times. The good days will come with enthusiasm and the bad days will come with sadness or apathy.
Showing support will require both the emotional aspects and the actual physical aspects such as taking on some of their household chores, and ensuring that they don& #39;t have to worry about things like whether bills are paid or the groceries are done. Also just ask how you can help.
Please allow them to vent to you about their problems, yes you will hear about the supervisor, you will hear about the administrative issues. You will hear about the struggles that come with writing and data collection or failed experiments. Act interested if you have to.
Remember that in as much as they will need a listening ear they will also need a lot of time alone. Time to write, take solo walks or even weekends away. Let them, they may not want to talk on some days, don& #39;t take it personally they are going through transformation.
This process of transformation may bring up deep seated issues that were not dealt with. Issues that are painful that contribute to the current feelings of fear, insecurity, imposter syndrome and anxiety. So expect that they may need therapy or some kind of psychological help.
Don& #39;t panic when this happens, just encourage them to seek for help and be happy that they are finally facing up to the things that have been weighing them down or holding them back. They will be free and meet their higher selves. It& #39;s a painful but necessary process.
PhDs are hard they take a toll on ones emotional and intellectual ability. So they will try to quit, when that feeling comes instead of showing disappointment, be supportive and remind them of why they started in the first place. Remind them to take a break.
Doing a PhD requires critical skills, and one is constantly questioning things and appraising evidence. So don& #39;t be surprised when you are also questioned, when things are no longer that simple. They are not undermining you they are growing so as annoying as it is allow it engage
There will be fights, you as the partner or friend will feel like walking away. You did not sign up for this and yes fair enough, but please don& #39;t. Please stay hold on a little longer it gets better and trust me we will be eternally grateful that you stayed.
We understand that life has to happen while we PhD. You are a reminder of that your presence is life to us. We see you as tired as preoccupied as we are we see you. Hence we dedicate this work to you and we aknowledge you when the time comes. It& #39;s our way of saying thank you.
During this time there are a series of rejections reviewers reject our work, at times supervisors reject us. We are cheap labor for the university. And we rely on scholarships. So you may have to bear some of the financial burden for a while. Please understand.
We don& #39;t do this work to acquire a sense of self importance even though it may seem that way to you at times. We do this work because there& #39;s something inside so strong it& #39;s like going on a pilgrimage of self discovery. And it& #39;s ok if it feels a bit too much for you.
But in all you say and do please don& #39;t ask us to choose because chances are we will choose the PhD. In fact it will be an unfair expectation. So it& #39;s either you stay and help us through this but don& #39;t ask us to choose.
Come graduation, you may be very excited. We may have mixed emotions. Infact there is something called the post PhD blues, an anticlimax of sorts. The question is now what after all is said and done now what? Leave us to figure it out. But please go ahead and throw us a party. 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤗" title="Umarmendes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Umarmendes Gesicht">
