Thread by @julie_cohen, I’ve seen the hashtag #NotAllMen trending. I want to tell you a [...]

I’ve seen the hashtag #NotAllMen trending. I want to tell you a story about this photo. It’s not an important or traumatising story, though it is. It’s not about all men, either. But it is. 1/

This is a picture of me a few years ago, at a publishing party. It was a fun party. I met a lot of great colleagues, and some quite famous people. I& #39;d been told that my book was the top selling ebook in the company. I was wearing a new dress. I felt great: successful, pretty. 2/

My dress was a little more low-cut than I& #39;d normally wear, but that wasn& #39;t an issue. It wasn& #39;t inappropriate or immodest; it was a warm day, and this was a party. It was a normal dress, and I& #39;m professional and an adult. As I said, I felt great. Until I got on the Tube home. 3/

Across from me on the Tube carriage, were three men. Middle aged, white, middle class. They looked like dads at my son& #39;s school. They& #39;d been at a party, or a sporting event; they were drunk and very merry. They kept on looking at me and sniggering. Finally one said & #39;Nice hat.& #39; 4/

I& #39;m a grown-up. I& #39;m a successful, confident woman. I& #39;ve been taught to be pleasant to people. I& #39;ve been taught to be pleasant to men. I said & #39;Thank you,& #39; and smiled. Then I looked away. But they kept trying to talk to me. They kept sniggering. Trying to flirt. 5/

I knew that when they said & #39;Nice hat& #39; what they really meant was: & #39;Nice tits.& #39; 6/

But I didn& #39;t say anything. I was successful, pretty, professional, grown-up. A mother, a teacher, a writer. A bestseller. I& #39;d been all of these things before I stepped into that carriage and they spoke to me and laughed. Now, I was a pair of tits in a hat. 7/

I didn& #39;t say anything. I tried to ignore them. You& #39;re taught to ignore men, because if you encourage them they might get worse. If you refuse them, they might get much worse. They asked me my name. I didn& #39;t answer. They said, & #39;You look like a Jemima. We& #39;ll call you Jemima.& #39; 8/

Now these were really normal-seeming guys. They weren& #39;t scary looking. They were having fun. I wasn& #39;t having fun any more, but they were. In a normal way. Three of them, one of me. No one on the carriage said anything. 9/

(This is a totally normal story by the way. There is nothing special or unusual at all about this story. Because #NotAllMen is wrong.) 10/

I got off the train at my stop. I walked away, not looking back. Until I heard them behind me. They& #39;d got off too. They were following me. Laughing and yelling, & #39;Hey, Jemima! Where are you going, Jemima? Can we try on your hat, Jemima?& #39;

I told myself that this is okay. 11/

They were normal men. They& #39;d mentioned their wives. Their kids. They were just having a day out in London, had a few beers. They weren& #39;t rapists or murderers. They were just being assholes, normal blokes, trying to flirt and banter. That& #39;s what I told myself to feel safe. 12/

Here& #39;s what these normal men probably did. They laughed some more. Traded some bants. They went home to their wives and kids. Next day they remembered that they had a great time, saw a pretty woman on the train and flirted with her. Had a laugh.

Here& #39;s what I did. 13/

I walked quickly out of sight. Took off my hat. Pulled on a scarf. Tucked up my hair. Walked to the next platform, took a train in the opposite direction. Rode it one stop, got out. Took another train back to my destination. Looked around for the men in case they hadn& #39;t left. 14/

I was on high alert all the way home. Made eye contact with no one. Texted my friend to say where I was. Held my keys between my fingers, ready to jab. Stayed in lighted areas. In the cab, I pretended to be talking to someone at home, waiting for me. 15/

I was fine, in the end. I was safe. They didn& #39;t mean any harm.

I have never worn that dress again. I will never forget how they stripped everything from me: my enjoyment, my feeling of safety, my professional achievement, my self-esteem. Even my name. 16/

Here& #39;s the thing. THIS IS A NORMAL STORY. This has happened to every woman. We live with this fear all the time. For many women it& #39;s much much worse. I had the privilege of being white, cis, abled, middle class—though none of those would& #39;ve helped if they wanted to hurt me. 17/

We can& #39;t tell which men are safe because even the ones who are supposedly safe feel enabled to humiliate us for fun. No men are safe. Normal men aren& #39;t safe. We are never safe because our society believes that the safety of women is not as important as the entitlement of men. 18/

And no, it& #39;s #NotAllMen. But it is cis men. Even normal ones. Even the ones with wives and kids who think they are the good ones.

(A PS, 5 minutes later: having written about this everyday occurrence, I& #39;m shaking. I remember how scared I was. I& #39;m thinking about the men who are going to tell me that I& #39;m wrong and blowing things out of proportion. And much worse has happened to me. But this was SO NORMAL.)

(Another PS, because I wrote this quickly: it& #39;s not just cis and trans women who are the victims of this normal everyday bullshit. It& #39;s also nonbinary and gender nonconforming people. Anyone who is not a & #39;normal bloke& #39; gets to be frightened and humiliated by blokes being normal.)

Predictably, the abuse, bigotry, misogyny, transmisogyny and #NotAllMen-ery have commenced in the replies to this post, so if you are moved by my story, please do not hesitate to report and block these assholes

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