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what i would feed each zodiac sign if i was keeping them in captivity:
aquarius men: i will keep you alive but you wont enjoy it
pisces men: enjoy this slimy shit
aries men: enjoy sweeties 
taurus men: hope you dont get fat pretty boys
gemini men: cook that chicken so you dont get salmonella- oh wait you cant
cancer men: chewing on wood might keep you quiet
leo men: have fun being constipated
virgo men: i dont have an outstanding issue but i dont want to spend money on you
libra men: enjoy
scorpio men: drink up
saggitarius men: eat it and die or dont eat it and die
capricorn men: fuel up kings
